Trains of Thoughts...

Found this draft of a blog that I'd started but never posted. In hindsight, it was good, and so I've finished up where I left off...


An evening in late July, 2009 - Home -

Duke's curled up in his donut. Delilah sighs and lays contently at the foot of my bed. All's quiet in the Heights. Hacienda Heights. My home away from... home?

Home sickness strikes me at odd moments. It makes me wonder about where home truly lies. It isn't "home is where the heart is" or anything truly tangible, but a feeling. Earlier in the month, my dad was here for a week and a half, and he told everyone we met up with during this course of time that he was here to give his daughter the feeling of 'home life'. It was a sweet gesture and very much appreciated, especially since even with a bad hip he insisted on having me sit and relax after work, while he washed the dishes even having cooked the entire meal to greet me home in the first place. I'd sit and relish, all the while feeling guilty that I was letting him do all the work, but somehow doing anymore than sit there and be appreciative would've taken something away from him.

I remember all the days and hours when I couldn't wait to get away from home. I'd lived under the same roof with my parents for what felt like centuries. Forever. A lifetime. Granted, this liftime that I'd felt didn't even in hindsight, pass by in the wink of an eye, nor was it filled with sunshine and puppies. There were epic battles, there was a great deal of hurt and many a tears. I'd cried for independence, the need to 'make my own mistakes' and to 'forge my own path'. My parents must've had many sleepless nights (well more so my mom since my dad's an earthquake-sleeper-througher...) The idiocy of youth, my youth quietly astounds me. Precious precious moments wasted.


Same evening in late July, 2009 - Hot Hot Heat -

The heat of Summer has caused a stir. While not as poetic nor as symbolic as its Broadway Musical counterpart of a different season, "Summer Awakening" seems to best describe what I've been experiencing. It's growing pains that I hadn't felt in years. My head is filled with the w's.... why...what... answers aren't forthcoming. Everything's a bit hazy. Moments of lucidity are quickly followed by extended periods of complete and utter confusion.


Tonight, October something, 2009 - Confessions -

I can say simply that the extended periods of complete and utter confusion have passed. A sense of calm has since settled in. Like anyone else, I've gone through significant phases in my life marked by notable events, irrevocable changes take place and ideally I come out having learned something valuable, having grown as a person just a little bit more. This past Summer saw me make decisions that caused... ripples. Large, circular, deeply felt, ripples. Not just in my own life, but lives of others. What I've learned will be at the end of this whole... essay.

I NEVER make decisions lightly. EVER. You'd know this just shopping with me... it's an exhausting experience really. "I want it, I really would love to have it, but do I really need it, what if I find it cheaper somewhere else, it'll probably go on sale, don't I have enough of the same color, it's so cute, ugh but really what would I wear with it, is it practical, but that other one looks nice too, but this one has that sparkly..." 9 out of 10 times I leave the store empty-handed. Or I end up returning it to the store just a day after having spent an hour in that one little corner of the shop. Indecisive or smart shopper? I can argue both points effectively.

I apply the same (il)logic to all decisions I make in life. I am my own pro- and con- column. There might as well be two marquees simultaneously streaming through my head, with the headlines shouting out the whys and why not's. I quit my job during the middle of this recession. I sloppily broke up with my boyfriend who was my best friend and family of 3 and half years.

With regards to the former, I quit my job at the company that I'd grown to care deeply for was because it wasn't going to grow in the right direction or with the right people. Would I have side-stepped the fact that it wasn't my passion in life had the conditions been better? In the end, probably not, so I'm ok with leaving on that note. As for the latter, I essentially 'quit' my relationship because I had without notice or warning, wanted to be without the person I loved most because he wasn't right for me. I realized I not only wanted more but I needed more. It broke my heart to face this realization and to have to subject him to my decision. Nothing 'happened' in either case that pushed the decisions, I didn't find a better job or meet someone new, which made me wonder whether what I did exemplified the idea that 'women are fickle'. I've since looked up the word fickle and it isn't true. To be fickle is to be casually changeable, which I'm not. There was nothing casual about either situation. Not to be dramatic, but I'm pushing 30. While it's just a number and what it means is strictly self-imposed, I should be getting financially secured and settling down and not going in the other direction.

Given this thought, as for the aftermath...

I've pushed the reset button on my life. I'm traveling abroad. Spending time with family. Rebuilding and building relationships. Thinking of this past Summer. Wondering about my future. I'm looking at the world with a great deal of curiousity and just a slightest bit of trepidation. I've thoroughly vetted myself and have discovered someone who's become surprisingly pragmatic, yet one who's still realistically optimistic and reassuringly confident not only of myself, the choices I make, but also that everything's going to work out for the best.

That's something I now know at 28 that I didn't at 18 or perhaps the decade that followed.

I'm shelving these thoughts. Chapter closed. :)