And a year at a time.
Sooner or later this will all work out.
~~~
There was a singular moment two years ago, when I was in Taiwan, where it struck me that what I was feeling at that moment was rare, and perfect. I'd stopped myself to 'be in the moment.' - as cheesy as that sounds. I closed my eyes and held onto it... wishing it could become reflexive, like muscle memory where at a later date, when I was feeling less than divine, I could recall that moment and all would be well. I held on tight to the feeling in my balled fists... and wished and hoped.
I've not felt quite like it since. But I relish in the fact that it was mine for even a little while... perfect serenity. Eager anticipation. Calm happiness.
~~~
On the recent trip to Iowa, there were many similar moments. Not of perfect contentment, but one of 'let me appreciate this moment'. As I sat in the grass in a beautiful backyard, as I looked out of the car window at the expansive canyons, the wide open fields, the puffs of clouds... the skies... I wanted to breathe it all in, bottle it up and save it for later, when I'm sitting in front of my computer screen as I am now, wondering when I'll next be out on the road.
~~~
School's starting in 3 days. Timely distraction.
~~~
Made a friend today. Even if it was just for an hour or two. I shall call him the great Dane. Not of the canine variety... just originally from Denmark. Has a 17-year-old son who's into what sounds like extreme skateboarding. Come to find out the daredevil streak was passed down by pops, who used to be a skier, dirt-biker, and scuba diver... complete with broken fingers etc. Asked me every question under the sky without it ever feeling intrusive, just born of curiosity and good-will.
I'd write more... but I'm tired.
20.9.11
17.9.11
Weather change?
Dear Diary... (and world at large)
I woke up to grey skies this morning... such a delightful change. The weather was brisk, and I took a walk down Colima to 85c Bakery for some waist-expanding deliciousness. Chatted with a couple of workers that were taking their break, found out that they rarely if ever got free bread. Is that not the main draw to working there...?
Met up with My-An to catch the re-release of The Lion King! We ate noodles she'd bought from the food court - never knew that was a possibility, but an act definitely to be repeated. The theater buzzed with excitement and it was a full house! People cheered and applauded as soon as the movie started, and again when the credits began to roll. It was all very cute and nostalgic.
Made my way to the pub, almost regretted my decision when I realized how much ground I had to cover, but somehow made it there in 30 minutes. I wanted to be home to feed the dogs, but wanted more to see him and to be supportive. Had no intention of drinking since I'm singing tomorrow... turned out I was also too tired to socialize or just to make nice. Someone asked if I was ok, and that I was looking a little serious... my face does tend to lean towards serious when I'm not smiling. Tried to watch a bad creature movie (Piranhas!) on the tiny TV set until loud drunk woman plants herself next to me and starts a conversation with another person sitting across from me...
Now I'm home. Delilah is fed and passed out by my foot. Duke did not touch his food because, I came inside to the study. Why that dog needs me to watch him in order to eat is beyond me.
Looking forward to stay-in-bed weather... but 10-day forecasts says 80's and sunny. Ah well.
Tomorrow, I entertain myself and then it's off to sing and see the Bishop...
I'm in a funk.
I woke up to grey skies this morning... such a delightful change. The weather was brisk, and I took a walk down Colima to 85c Bakery for some waist-expanding deliciousness. Chatted with a couple of workers that were taking their break, found out that they rarely if ever got free bread. Is that not the main draw to working there...?
Met up with My-An to catch the re-release of The Lion King! We ate noodles she'd bought from the food court - never knew that was a possibility, but an act definitely to be repeated. The theater buzzed with excitement and it was a full house! People cheered and applauded as soon as the movie started, and again when the credits began to roll. It was all very cute and nostalgic.
Made my way to the pub, almost regretted my decision when I realized how much ground I had to cover, but somehow made it there in 30 minutes. I wanted to be home to feed the dogs, but wanted more to see him and to be supportive. Had no intention of drinking since I'm singing tomorrow... turned out I was also too tired to socialize or just to make nice. Someone asked if I was ok, and that I was looking a little serious... my face does tend to lean towards serious when I'm not smiling. Tried to watch a bad creature movie (Piranhas!) on the tiny TV set until loud drunk woman plants herself next to me and starts a conversation with another person sitting across from me...
Now I'm home. Delilah is fed and passed out by my foot. Duke did not touch his food because, I came inside to the study. Why that dog needs me to watch him in order to eat is beyond me.
Looking forward to stay-in-bed weather... but 10-day forecasts says 80's and sunny. Ah well.
Tomorrow, I entertain myself and then it's off to sing and see the Bishop...
I'm in a funk.
16.9.11
Short Stories
At some point a couple of years ago, I decided that drinking and smoking were not cures for a bad day, for anyone. I decided that I would not wallow in mournful love songs when I was experiencing heartache. I decided I would never purposely act like a martyr to get attention. Because I am intelligent, logical, and self-controlled.
I've now decided that I enjoy making important yet strangely mindless decisions regarding myself.
~~~
Earlier tonight, I sang at a church. Very contemporary place and service, fitting, for Silverlake. At the end of the night, following the choir rehearsal, my friend, the musical director who invited me to sing with them, handed the other alto and I each a little pot of flower as a thank-you gift. We are getting paid for singing, yet he said he just wanted to give us a 'little something'.
I thanked him, and out of my mouth, "WHY CAN'T MY BOYFRIEND DO THIS?" The church organizer looked at me, puzzled. "I can't get my boyfriend to buy me flowers, I've been asking for 6 months." Now he looks baffled, and to my chagrin, asks whether my boyfriend is in essence, mentally disabled, but using the less politically-correct term. "No," I said, laughing, "...just a little slow...?"
~~~
I like flowers. They make me happy, like they do many people. Easy to think that he who loves me most would not hesitate to make such a simple gesture, knowing that it'd make me happy. He said it was because he was on a bike and can't carry it. And it was too expensive to order flowers online. And then it was because he wanted to take me to buy the flowers that can be planted, and therefore lasts longer.
Yet still I wait, everyday just slightly a little less hopeful than the day before.
~~~
I hear my mom calling me in my head. Flashback to the times when she'd ask me to do something, and I'd come up with a response that would delay whatever it was she'd ask me to do. I felt completely justified in my responses, and assured by the fact that I was occupied by something important, and therefore unable to meet her request at that exact moment. The problem was, for the majority of the time, I was occupied. I had to do what I was doing in that moment, at that moment. I couldn't set it aside for just a fraction of the time to hear what she was asking of me, to do something as simple as setting the table. Because it'd be too distracting. Because I was almost done. Because I wanted to. Perhaps, it was a matter of principle. I determined what was important. And I was more important than whatever she needed. She can wait just a minute...
~~~
I've given up talking to him at work. Because, as he says, he's working while he's at work. He has no time to read emails, check messages, drop a note, anything. It finally dawned on me who he sounded like, and why it felt familiar. He sounds like me. When I worked my 10 hour days and couldn't do anything personal, that's what I sounded like. I'd feel slightly annoyed at whomever was calling me for not knowing that I'm at work and that I was clearly busy. Was there a rule against personal phone calls? I'm sure there was. Would my bosses have flipped out if my mom called from overseas and I took time to speak with her? No. Would it have been nice for my mom to hear my voice for 5 minutes? On any of those days when she called...?
No one works every minute of an 8-hour day. Not even a very dedicated and conscientious worker.
I've now decided that I enjoy making important yet strangely mindless decisions regarding myself.
~~~
Earlier tonight, I sang at a church. Very contemporary place and service, fitting, for Silverlake. At the end of the night, following the choir rehearsal, my friend, the musical director who invited me to sing with them, handed the other alto and I each a little pot of flower as a thank-you gift. We are getting paid for singing, yet he said he just wanted to give us a 'little something'.
I thanked him, and out of my mouth, "WHY CAN'T MY BOYFRIEND DO THIS?" The church organizer looked at me, puzzled. "I can't get my boyfriend to buy me flowers, I've been asking for 6 months." Now he looks baffled, and to my chagrin, asks whether my boyfriend is in essence, mentally disabled, but using the less politically-correct term. "No," I said, laughing, "...just a little slow...?"
~~~
I like flowers. They make me happy, like they do many people. Easy to think that he who loves me most would not hesitate to make such a simple gesture, knowing that it'd make me happy. He said it was because he was on a bike and can't carry it. And it was too expensive to order flowers online. And then it was because he wanted to take me to buy the flowers that can be planted, and therefore lasts longer.
Yet still I wait, everyday just slightly a little less hopeful than the day before.
~~~
I hear my mom calling me in my head. Flashback to the times when she'd ask me to do something, and I'd come up with a response that would delay whatever it was she'd ask me to do. I felt completely justified in my responses, and assured by the fact that I was occupied by something important, and therefore unable to meet her request at that exact moment. The problem was, for the majority of the time, I was occupied. I had to do what I was doing in that moment, at that moment. I couldn't set it aside for just a fraction of the time to hear what she was asking of me, to do something as simple as setting the table. Because it'd be too distracting. Because I was almost done. Because I wanted to. Perhaps, it was a matter of principle. I determined what was important. And I was more important than whatever she needed. She can wait just a minute...
~~~
I've given up talking to him at work. Because, as he says, he's working while he's at work. He has no time to read emails, check messages, drop a note, anything. It finally dawned on me who he sounded like, and why it felt familiar. He sounds like me. When I worked my 10 hour days and couldn't do anything personal, that's what I sounded like. I'd feel slightly annoyed at whomever was calling me for not knowing that I'm at work and that I was clearly busy. Was there a rule against personal phone calls? I'm sure there was. Would my bosses have flipped out if my mom called from overseas and I took time to speak with her? No. Would it have been nice for my mom to hear my voice for 5 minutes? On any of those days when she called...?
No one works every minute of an 8-hour day. Not even a very dedicated and conscientious worker.
The problem isn't that he doesn't have the time or can't find the time for me. The problem isn't even that he used to have time, but slowly, over the course of a year, he didn't. The problem may be me. Maybe I am no longer as 'miss-able' as a I used to be.
15.9.11
I got an A on that Midterm by the way
Plato, Sophists, Aristotle, Pseudo-Longinus spelled an A in Rhetoric! Oh did we have a good laugh over the name Pseudo-Longinus. Why Pseudo? Because scholars are uncertain whether Longinus was the guy's real name...
Giggles aside, it was a fun and rigorous class and I am satisfied with the work I put in. An A is an A and it's better than an A minus. Or a B, which stands for "B...ut you've gotta be kidding me".
In other news, Vox Femina Los Angeles 15th Season is officially underway! First two rehearsals have been promising, in terms of both sound, and how the rehearsals went. Fingers crossed that it will be as spectacular as I suspect it will be.
I will be playing photog for Santa Monica Symphony in their upcoming season, hopefully at their concerts, but I am booked for at least the first few social events. I am also singing in a contemporary church service... to which I said "you can run but you can't hide" after finding out that (a) it's an Episcopal Church and (b) Bishop B. will be there.... haha.
Other musings...
The responsibilities that come with being 30. Still trying to define the age for myself. Still trying to reconcile my 'idea of what it means to be 30' with what my reality is. There were expectations. Not just with personal achievements or physical anticipations ("Metabolic slowdown!! Wrinkles!!), but the idea was holistic. I am not exactly at peace with my lack of financial independence, although having experienced it, it's not an area that I'm concerned with not being able to achieve again. However, the lack of financial stability has meant that many of my other expectations are falling miserably short. As a simple example, in the most superficial level: there comes a point when one does not have to resort to Ikea to furnish a room. I also didn't think I'd be wearing the same clothes I am still wearing.
These are just examples of how I am unable to outwardly express how I inwardly see me and my surroundings. What's more representative of yourself than the clothes you wear or the house you live in? They're not everything, but they are important.
Where did I honestly think I'd find myself at 30?
Married - yes. Kids - probably. House - yes. Traveling - yes.
I really don't think those were unrealistic expectations. It's just taking a helluva longer to get there. I'm having a great time yes being somewhat vicarious/unconventional yet consistently sensible. I am aware of my responsibilities. I am aware of my commitments. BUT, I worry that the longer I wait, the less spontaneous and energetic I become... it becomes a matter of physiology. There is less fear in youth. To take chances. To make a move. To say to yourself "why not?" instead of "but what if?". I worry about losing my optimism... about stopping 'wishful thinking'. Jaded and cynical are two things I would wish upon no-one, especially for myself.
Meanwhile, it's one day at a time. One commitment at a time. Need to make time to dream more. To do more things like Shakespeare in the Park... chatting up strangers at a bar is one thing, spending time in the company of smart and delightful individuals is so much more rewarding.
On that note, I think I'll go buy some happy flowers for myself tomorrow!
Reminder to self: BLOG MORE DAMMIT.
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