Rolling blackouts, maybe it should happen more often...

Earlier today, I played some Chopin for the first time in 6 months, wiped down the dogs, groomed Delilah, cleaned my kitchen, sang from Faure's Requiem (I like it better than Mozart's), read through half of my stack of to-read magazines and articles and and filed away bills.  My phone had gone cold in the middle of a call to the DMV, my netbook had died hours earlier and my car was still safely tucked away in the garage, albeit inaccessible. With the sun creeping lower and the skies darkening, I locate two candles and a book of matches and quickly realized I was ill-equipped for a real power outage, save a disaster. While romantic, my decorative candles provided shit for light as I sat in the dark, digging into a can of corn. A nap seemed natural if not the only remaining option and of course, just as I doze off, ding! The lights come on and I hear a cheer from the neighborhood kids who'd been playing outside all day, riding their bikes and bouncing around a basketball. I pull up the covers and go back to sleep.

Unplugged, it was a strange but beautiful day. 

Dear Idiot Employer...

... a company grows when you recognize individuals for what they bring to your organization, and then managing each individual properly. The intangible may be an upbeat personality and can-do attitude which is INNATE and can't be taught. Foster their talent, care for their needs and surprise, the individuals will work harder for you which translates into GROWTH & HIGHER PROFIT for your company.  To do anything else, i.e. firing without prior warning? You are just an idiot employer.

Not-as-much-Funemployment #2

Having now done this before, 'this' being the resignation from a place of employment that was less than ideal despite current and personal economic conditions, I am... or I feel, resigned. I just watched a video Monster.com created to attract job applicants and was struck by what an employee said, as she said "this is the last job I'll have". Oh my.

It reinforced my determination to not settle for just any job with just any company. I've actually read articles touting the virtues of job-hoppers, and describing how 'they're more effective workers because they know what they want to achieve in a shorter time span', ehm... no. While my intentions may be honest, I understand the influence of perception, and in having a resume that lists a variety of jobs over the course of not-so-many-years, does not reflect well on my ability to commit to a job, under most circumstances. I've also held somewhat convoluted titles for a couple of jobs I've had, which were the unfortunate byproduct of having worked for tiny tiny companies where there were very few employees and subsequently, each of us was a 'head' of something. My then-employers were more than glad to atone for less-than-compelling compensation with vaulted and meaningless titles, even if I did take on all the responsibilities that title suggested. I am still a little sheepish having it down on paper.

After I got off the phone last night with a recruiter of a wonderful company that I truly truly admire, I felt perhaps, I'd stuck my foot in my mouth for the first time in a long time.  I didn't take the high road when I was asked the ominous and awkward question of "Why did you leave your last company?" Despite the fact that I knew this question was coming, I felt this unnecessary and to an employer, unattractive need to be honest, and to be heard and understood. What came out of my mouth could be best described as verbal diarrhea.  I can be a little harsh on myself, but I pride myself on speaking with finesse, tact, and THOUGHT. I did my thinking AFTER I got off the phone, and came up with my prepared answer AFTER I thought it through. Yes it would have been prepared, but not made up, and it would have been far more convincing. If given the chance to make a second first impression (sigh), I would have told the recruiter, "in all honesty, I was BORED."  Ok I may have phrased it as "I felt restrained by my job requirements." No one questioned my work performance, or my execution of my expected job duties. They loved what I did. My sales rep knew me to be responsive and resourceful. I created my own projects, updated existing information, re-organized, networked, pitched sales, built presentations... and still found way too much time where I sat twirling my thumbs, waiting for my supervisor to provide me with any instruction or feedback.  I am aware there are those who don't mind sitting around, playing Farmville and waiting for a paycheck. I find it terribly unproductive, uninspiring and a complete waste of time. At times like these, I would normally approach other departments to see if I could be of assistance, but communicating with other departments was banned, per company policy. As was Internet Use, MP3 Players, Cell-Phones... so there I sat in my isolated cubicle, thinking of ways to work for the company, by myself. I also don't exaggerate because the truth is usually sufficient.  There also was never going to be vertical movement, it was a multi-million dollar business that was family-owned and managed by a handful of managers. Promote from within... to where?

So, here I am, a perfectly capable worker, looking for a perfectly capable employer. This self-imposed unemployment will be my attempt to find my last job... or at least get me somewhat closer to wherever I'm meant to end up.

Naturally, a blog post from me can't end on a somber or semi-serious note, so for levity, an observation: I think my father has it in his head that I have 3 options that will put HIS mind at ease. (1) Find a job (2) Go to grad school (3) Get proposed to.

"IS HE GOING TO ASK YOU OR WHAT!?"
"Err..."
"Do guys HAVE to be the ones to do the asking? In America?"
"Oh my god... why don't YOU propose to him?!"
"Hehehehehehe... just checking..."

#palmforehead

The end.

Blog Entry #40!

This is terribly unexciting!!

I wholeheartedly wished I had fun things to report or to blog about. Although at the suggestion of BF, and it's a good one, I am going to start a separate blog temporarily titled "Things that my mom says I can't eat".  I suppose it's more telling to put "Things that my Chinese mom says I can't eat", but I don't want to add to the myth of the Chinese or Asian Mother, although much of it can be true. :::Sniggers:::

(Sniggers is a word I picked up from reading Harry Potter, or as I call it simply, "DUMBLEDORE!!". Alas, 13 long years after it first became a worldwide phenomenon, I am officially a fan of the books. At least until I get to book 6 or 7 which have received poor(er) reviews from my friends than the first 5)

Back to why I'm less than thrilled. I have refrained from blogging about my work, although I think many would have found it amusing, because while the business practices may be 'common', they are neither sound nor logical, and personally I find myself wondering "... er but why?" but more often than not I find myself bent over with laughter at the ridiculousness of it all.

Before continuing on, I've just taken out my self-pity violin and am playing a sad tune... now hear that refrain in your head as you cotinue reading this.

I AM RESTLESS! This debacle of a job has done NOTHING for me this past 7 months except with the silver lining of having made friends with a few spectacular personalities and coming to the realization yet AGAIN that I am a rock-solid person with strong work ethic and competence, exceptional interpersonal skills unless of course, you aggravate me and I decide to throw you under the bus and tell you everything that is wrong with you.  Yes, I have discovered, with the 'help' of this job, a whole new side of me. A side that is catty, gossipy, b*tchy and worst of it all, cynical.  I find this distasteful and unwelcomed! I'd rather be broke and charming! So therein lies the dilemma... engage on another round of funemployment where it wouldn't be half as much fun as last time since I had money saved up to play around with... or stay at a thankless and meaningless job with a joke of a company while pursuing personal interests?

I think I can answer that question in my sleep. It's just that the answer makes my life a little bit harder. Although, as an optimist, I see it as motivation to work harder and be more creative... difficult situations call for clever solutions. I do think finding the money is easy... in theory. Time for practical application!

Incidentally, I am ridiculously inspired by this blog that I just read through in its entirety: http://michelles-in-cambodia.blogspot.com/

She's ballsier than I am! I managed just ONE horrendous 5-hour busride from Siem Reap to Phnom Penh, I don't think I could get on another Cambodian bus... but anyhow, she's doing what I imagine myself doing. I'm not jealous, just inspired. :)

" Expectation is the root of all heartache."

Damn you Shakespeare.

"There's a virus going around"

I love phantom viruses.
They're like Ninjas.
Thus it's been determined I've been hit by a ninja-star equivalent of a bug... a strain of perhaps, flu from the Orient. Germs from Mexico. Cue ghostly ooohs....

Whenever I ramble I wonder if I'm sicker than I thought I was, I check my pulse and press a hand to my forehead, which incidentally, would be the same temperature, non?  I do detect beads of unpleasant sweat on the back of my neck. Ugh.

Sick sucks.

Being sick by myself sucks.


I am upset. 

As I'm typing there's a kamikaze bug hitting itself against my bedroom walls... perhaps chasing after that phantom bug. Its buzzing lets me know of its presence. And the running into walls. For a second it landed behind my pillow...

I'm enjoying this vicious typing because I can't speak. Speaking brings forth bouts of coughing and just general pain.  I was able to speak for a length over dinner since I had an audience of attentive listeners... and naturally I am now suffering for having extended my already strained throat.


Quick and definitely random segue...

Out of curiosity, I looked up the word upset having spliced it up as Up, and Set and wanted to know its etymology.  As a definition this is what I get first from wiki:

Upset, in a competition where a likely winner loses to an underdog

NOT HELPFUL!

(Kamikaze bug narrowly misses Delilah's snout, whom having consumed parts of a delicious bone from from a bone-in ribeye, doesn't even raise her head...)

Ah-ha!  This from Online Etymology Dictionary:

upset (v.)

mid-15c., "to set up, fix," from up + set (v.). Cf. M.Du. opsetten, Ger. aufsetzen. Modern sense of "overturn, capsize" (1803) is that of obsolete overset. Meaning "to throw into mental discomposure" is from 1805. The noun sense of "overturning of a vehicle or boat" is recorded from 1804.

Indeed, I do find myself in a state of 'mental discomposure', although I thought it'd be more reflective of an emotional state... mental does seem more fitting...

Oh, Grandpa's back in ICU. Positive thoughts going that way... can't help but sigh. I'm hating this part of growing up. I. Loath. It.

Dogs are asleep, I think I'll follow suit.

Sometimes I Feel

... like I'm being taken for granted. Just every now and then.

My insecurities and paranoia tend to manifest themselves in more obvious ways... and here is where I can be full-blown passive aggressive. I dislike when what I have to say isn't addressed and is dismissed or glossed over as being... 'me overreacting or being unreasonable". Especially when I'm upset. 

It's just that... it breaks my heart a little.



In other news. My 3-month review's up tomorrow. I haven't mentioned work and I really still don't feel like it too much.

I've forgotten who this Blog was for. And is for.

I don't even know why I have insecurities and never realized I'd be passive aggressive. Need to regain some semblance of self-control.

Sigh

Hi Blogspot. I apologize for not consistently visiting you. I suck.

How was I able keep almost daily journals for so many years? Handwritten pages and all... especially given that I can type 90+ words a minute now? 

Hi Duke. I apologize for not having walked you in the last 2 days. I'm tired.

He's laying by my door, face on paws, dejected. Little does he know we're about to hop in my car for a quick ride to... the park across the street.  Yes I'm tired. But I persist.

Tick tock... how long can I continue like this, sleeping less than 6 hours a night and working almost 6 days a week, I don't know, but I'm trying to make the best it. To maximize my legendary energy at the ripe age of 29.  That's right, RIPE. I will celebrate my 30's and try to live up to my vision of what that means. Meanwhile, 29 shall not go down in the history books as a year of not-so-extraordinary achievements. Or living passively. It's gotta mean something. I have to grow somehow. I'm a progressive...

Yet here I find myself sitting on my pre-school inspired laminated floor in front of my computer, sighing. About as dejected as Duke, although somehow he's perked up already, sensing this magical 30 second ride to the park across the street.

First concrete objective as a 29-and-two-month-year-old (yes you read that right):  Achieve congruity between private and public persona. Happy and alarmingly and impossibly upbeat all the time. I understand I'm allowed to have my moments, but I rather not wallow. So, to take a page out of 20-year-old Frances' journal:  Must take time to identify what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what my strengths are and what I need to work on. Write it down, and work on it. My work ethic is also legendary at work... so there you have it. It must be done. 


Real objective: Sigh no more. 

Now, having just read back this post... I think what I really need is just a drink. And maybe a movie. Maybe Lord of the Rings. Maybe it's going to be a long night.

Sigh.

Bipartisan Incompetence

I heard the descriptor on NPR last night and found it, while sad, hilarious. It was used to describe the process of our good folks in Congress trying to pass the Jobs Bill.

Incidentally, my dog Duke is currently resting his head on my left hand which is making typing difficult. Ah, now it's between both hands and his breathing is causing condensation to form on the space bar. Funny oversized lap dog. He's not impressed with my keyboarding skills. Now his head's on my right hand. I think sabotage is in play... he thinks it's time for a W-A-L-K but he's sadly mistaken.

....how much does a dog's head weigh!!?

... and then the heaven opened.

Restless. I toss and turn for hours.

Tap. Tap.  Drops of rain hits the old air conditioning unit and a sudden pop of sound jolts me wide awake.

I feel unease. Expectant.... the rain picks up full speed and it feels as if the storm's overhead.

I look at the clock, 2:25am. Sensing a moment.

The phone rings.


My brother, on the other land: "Mei-mei (little sister) ah, grandpa just passed".

"It started downpouring and I guessed..."

"There too? It started downpouring here too..."

I half-chuckled. "Mm Really?"

"Yeah. Ok. Bye..."

Bye grandpa.

Our father who art in heaven, hallow be thine name
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory
Forever and ever. Amen.

There's nothing quite like... death knocking on the door.

A little to abrupt perhaps?

Anyway.  My grandfather in Singapore is not doing well. After suffering a stroke of some type, he developed a fever, and as of two days ago has been taken off solid food.  He's 98 and doctors prefer to lean towards less aggressive treatments and more towards the "let it be" approach.  There I was, mind drifting aimlessly around what it would be like when the time finally came to say goodbye, the 'end of the era' in the Chee household seemed appropriate. Before I could think further I was stopped cold in my tracks by another's voice that was matter-of-fact:  "people die, grandparents die. I don't see why people get worked up over it."  This very idea was so... foreign to me that it distracted me from whatever thoughts I was having.  I did take time to think why it was that it would matter so much.  One could argue that my grandfather is 98, has lived a good life, and in some ways has not lived 'his life to the fullest' considering he has stayed inside his house for the better part of the past 40 years since he retired in his fifties.  He has seemed content with spending each day simply by waking up, having breakfast, reading the papers, watching TV, having lunch, and spending the afternoon leisurely reading or enjoying a nap. His children and grandchildren frequented the house daily.  In his later years he'd occasionally sneak out of the house to play cards with his buddies, but they too passed away.  Was he truly content during all these years with his lifestyle?  I don't know because I never asked. 

My grandmother is 94 and ailing. I think it would matter a great deal to her if my grandfather passed away. He has always been protective of her, and for someone who is otherwise conservative with his words and action, I never doubted the great love that exists between them. I could see from the way he looks at her that he is truly, truly fond of her.  I remember celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary a few years back, one of the few occasions my grandfather willingly left the house for, and we watched a slide show put together by a few of my cousins of black-and-white photographs of my grandparents in their youth, when they first met, and photos of their children. The slide show was sentimentally backed up with Dean Martin's rendition of "That's Amore", and the atmosphere was, amongst all the family members, one of good cheer and nothing short of romantic. We "wooed" and "ahhed" and giggled at funny photos of our parents, and at the conclusion of the slide show, my grandfather asked that it'd be played again...

It feels strange to be 'recalling those times' as he's laying in a hospital bed in Singapore somewhere, not talking because he hasn't had food and lacks the energy.  But he's still alive. Would I be writing about my grandfather if he's sitting at his familiar spot at the dining table, noisily and happily chewing away at his food (which he does)?  I don't know, and that may be what's unfortunate.

This is why it would matter if he passed away:  it would reinforce my fear of someone I loved dying.

I had few fears as a child, the sound of my beating heart in the dark was one, because I didn't know that's what I was hearing.  The other was of anyone I knew dying.  I had no fear of my own death. I have no fear of my own death. I'd entertained thoughts of ending my own life years ago but what teen with exaggerated angst hasn't. The 'woe is me' part of one's life. At this point I'd like to say, if you haven't experienced such a stage or have ever felt that low, I'm sorry for scaring you, and I promise I would never do something as wasteful and as silly as ending my life. I got over myself years ago.  :::smile:::

Anyway, despite the fact that I never see him because he's across the ocean, I love my grandfather. He's as connected to me as the air that I breathe. He, being 98 years old, is a constant. He is the anchor to my family.  Does it mean I'm more afraid of change? Of time passing?  I don't doubt this, but he's much more than just an idea, a distant figure, just a grandparent. He's funny, stern and endearing, and he is respected and well-loved by all of us. How could this NOT be deeply affecting?

So, why am I not in Singapore right now?

Because I recognize that what I do makes no difference. He is no more and no less whether I am here or there. My presence would not make him better or worse. My presence would not make me feel better or worse. My presence would not make him more meaningful to me or any less meaningful.  I'm not afraid of letting go because it isn't up to me or to any of us.

But at the end of the day, I rather he lives. 

No Subject Too Small to Discuss

Thoughts I've been having lately and/or things that stick out in my mind:.

1)  Social Responsibility:  The feeling that as a person of demonstrated competence in the workplace, I should become once again, employed and thus able to become a contributing member to society. If nothing else, there are charities that have $20 less in their pockets because I am without a job. $20 is $20. 

2) Christopher Waltz's performance in The Inglorious Basterds:  Startling. Unnerving. And I'm wholly envious of his command over each of the languages he spoke.  

3) This amazing book I'm reading:  The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery. I will be very sad when I turn the last page. It's unlike any book I've ever read. Adjectives used to describe this book by reviewers with whom I completely agree with:   Eloquent, funny, exquisite and heart-breaking. It's mesmerizing. The prose is ridiculous... 

4) Bejeweled Blitz: I'm over it. 

5) Helllooooo Tetris!   

I'm thrilled by the reappearance of sunshine and warmth in Los Angeles these past couple of days. It's decidedly picked up my sagging spirit which had been... sagged by the monotony and tediousness of my ongoing job-search, which incidentally, I've not yet blogged about. Of what in particular? Of the unethical, unhelpful, and most importantly, unwelcomed postings by companies and employers whose businesses are neither legitimate or in many cases. LEGAL.  I can smell pyramid schemes through my very computer screen.  In any case, there are companies I'd love to work for, and I've decided it would be fine even in an administrative role as long as it's a great working environment.  

Oh, I've failed to recognize that it's a new year on the Chinese calendar!  Happy year of the Tiger, may it prove to be fortuitous, prosperous and... a joyful 2010 for you and your loved ones!