I'd told my friend Missy this blog entry would be titled, "2010, a year that sucked ass." But being the sensible person that I am, I quickly amended it to a less offensive title. And then included it in the first sentence, where it's actually more visible. I can be glib.
I am in a reflective mood, which usually doesn't bode well. But wait! It is now 2011, and in 2011, reflection will be a positive thing! Yes, I find the silver lining in most situations, like sifting through a pot of mishmash, there are good things to be uncovered, lessons to be learned. However, I never found truth to the phrase, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Uhm, try "what doesn't kill you leaves you battered and deeply wounded." Typically the damage incurred isn't physical, which makes it that much worse. Yes, scars are visible and generally permanent, such as the ones on my knees that remind me of my happy and reckless childhood, but scars that are emotional and non-physical hurt that much more. Cuts that much deeper. Cue bad Frances segue -
Why do pop singers have to ruin poetic phrases? As I am about to type 'cuts that much deeper', I hear the annoyingly poppy melody of "Firsssttt cut is the deeeeepest...." and instantly, although I haven't even typed it, the sentence feels cheapened.
Back to train of thought. Here are two reasons why 2010 will live in infamy:
Reason#1: My grandfathers passed away. Plural. The only two I had. I just saw them, late 2009. A year later they're gone. What's that all about? How do you explain that? Don't give me the 'it was their time', or even 'they were old'. NO. Unacceptable. Bullshit. Yes, acceptance is the last stage of grieve. Well it sucks ass.
:::deep breath in::::
Reason#2: Settling for a joke of a job. I knew it was a joke because every time I received a ridiculous email banning another electronic device, sat in on a conference call that was two hours longer than necessary or overheard a conversation ten feet away from me carried on by management that was largely gossip? I threw my head back and laughed. The lack of judgment and professionalism exhibited by my former employers cannot be, and I've said this before, exaggerated. It was, unreal, and at the same time, too painfully real.
I think two reasons will suffice but I will relent, there were plenty of glorious moments and goodness that will sustain itself from now going onward. In chronological order, to my best estimation:
1. I could not have wished for a better year in sports. It was like the 90's all over again for me. Lakers championship run with Ron Artest! World Cup! Giants World Series!
2. I make friends at work. No that's not a shocker, but I met quality people that I enjoyed spending time with and have maintained friendships with since I left the company. Talented, quirky and personality-heavy individuals.
3. Vox freaking Femina Los Angeles. My heart.
4. The few, the proud, the newly minted Foxy Voxxies. Both in and out of Vox, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.
5. A good friend's wedding. She finally got to walk down the aisle with the man she's adored for eons! I thought so and I'm just her friend! Thank the lord!
6. Reunited with my family in Taiwan even though it was for my grandpa's funeral.
7. Duke & Delilah. They inspire moments of hysteria - good and ugly.
8. And, my heart of hearts, who tells me at the end of the year, that he "super-duper loves me". I can't even begin to explain what those silly words meant to me. I've no words, just a well of emotions.
Quiet thoughts: I just realized there was a third reason for the year's negativity in terms of politics and my many private and sometimes published battles with those who think differently than I, but I'll let it rest. It was only appropriate we had record rainfalls near the end of the year, to wash away the nonsense, the grime, and the symbolic heartaches and troubles of a year, that in the end, I guess could have been better, but just was.
28.12.10
Rolling blackouts, maybe it should happen more often...
Earlier today, I played some Chopin for the first time in 6 months, wiped down the dogs, groomed Delilah, cleaned my kitchen, sang from Faure's Requiem (I like it better than Mozart's), read through half of my stack of to-read magazines and articles and and filed away bills. My phone had gone cold in the middle of a call to the DMV, my netbook had died hours earlier and my car was still safely tucked away in the garage, albeit inaccessible. With the sun creeping lower and the skies darkening, I locate two candles and a book of matches and quickly realized I was ill-equipped for a real power outage, save a disaster. While romantic, my decorative candles provided shit for light as I sat in the dark, digging into a can of corn. A nap seemed natural if not the only remaining option and of course, just as I doze off, ding! The lights come on and I hear a cheer from the neighborhood kids who'd been playing outside all day, riding their bikes and bouncing around a basketball. I pull up the covers and go back to sleep.
Unplugged, it was a strange but beautiful day.
Unplugged, it was a strange but beautiful day.
16.11.10
Dear Idiot Employer...
... a company grows when you recognize individuals for what they bring to your organization, and then managing each individual properly. The intangible may be an upbeat personality and can-do attitude which is INNATE and can't be taught. Foster their talent, care for their needs and surprise, the individuals will work harder for you which translates into GROWTH & HIGHER PROFIT for your company. To do anything else, i.e. firing without prior warning? You are just an idiot employer.
11.11.10
Not-as-much-Funemployment #2
Having now done this before, 'this' being the resignation from a place of employment that was less than ideal despite current and personal economic conditions, I am... or I feel, resigned. I just watched a video Monster.com created to attract job applicants and was struck by what an employee said, as she said "this is the last job I'll have". Oh my.
It reinforced my determination to not settle for just any job with just any company. I've actually read articles touting the virtues of job-hoppers, and describing how 'they're more effective workers because they know what they want to achieve in a shorter time span', ehm... no. While my intentions may be honest, I understand the influence of perception, and in having a resume that lists a variety of jobs over the course of not-so-many-years, does not reflect well on my ability to commit to a job, under most circumstances. I've also held somewhat convoluted titles for a couple of jobs I've had, which were the unfortunate byproduct of having worked for tiny tiny companies where there were very few employees and subsequently, each of us was a 'head' of something. My then-employers were more than glad to atone for less-than-compelling compensation with vaulted and meaningless titles, even if I did take on all the responsibilities that title suggested. I am still a little sheepish having it down on paper.
After I got off the phone last night with a recruiter of a wonderful company that I truly truly admire, I felt perhaps, I'd stuck my foot in my mouth for the first time in a long time. I didn't take the high road when I was asked the ominous and awkward question of "Why did you leave your last company?" Despite the fact that I knew this question was coming, I felt this unnecessary and to an employer, unattractive need to be honest, and to be heard and understood. What came out of my mouth could be best described as verbal diarrhea. I can be a little harsh on myself, but I pride myself on speaking with finesse, tact, and THOUGHT. I did my thinking AFTER I got off the phone, and came up with my prepared answer AFTER I thought it through. Yes it would have been prepared, but not made up, and it would have been far more convincing. If given the chance to make a second first impression (sigh), I would have told the recruiter, "in all honesty, I was BORED." Ok I may have phrased it as "I felt restrained by my job requirements." No one questioned my work performance, or my execution of my expected job duties. They loved what I did. My sales rep knew me to be responsive and resourceful. I created my own projects, updated existing information, re-organized, networked, pitched sales, built presentations... and still found way too much time where I sat twirling my thumbs, waiting for my supervisor to provide me with any instruction or feedback. I am aware there are those who don't mind sitting around, playing Farmville and waiting for a paycheck. I find it terribly unproductive, uninspiring and a complete waste of time. At times like these, I would normally approach other departments to see if I could be of assistance, but communicating with other departments was banned, per company policy. As was Internet Use, MP3 Players, Cell-Phones... so there I sat in my isolated cubicle, thinking of ways to work for the company, by myself. I also don't exaggerate because the truth is usually sufficient. There also was never going to be vertical movement, it was a multi-million dollar business that was family-owned and managed by a handful of managers. Promote from within... to where?
So, here I am, a perfectly capable worker, looking for a perfectly capable employer. This self-imposed unemployment will be my attempt to find my last job... or at least get me somewhat closer to wherever I'm meant to end up.
Naturally, a blog post from me can't end on a somber or semi-serious note, so for levity, an observation: I think my father has it in his head that I have 3 options that will put HIS mind at ease. (1) Find a job (2) Go to grad school (3) Get proposed to.
"IS HE GOING TO ASK YOU OR WHAT!?"
"Err..."
"Do guys HAVE to be the ones to do the asking? In America?"
"Oh my god... why don't YOU propose to him?!"
"Hehehehehehe... just checking..."
#palmforehead
The end.
It reinforced my determination to not settle for just any job with just any company. I've actually read articles touting the virtues of job-hoppers, and describing how 'they're more effective workers because they know what they want to achieve in a shorter time span', ehm... no. While my intentions may be honest, I understand the influence of perception, and in having a resume that lists a variety of jobs over the course of not-so-many-years, does not reflect well on my ability to commit to a job, under most circumstances. I've also held somewhat convoluted titles for a couple of jobs I've had, which were the unfortunate byproduct of having worked for tiny tiny companies where there were very few employees and subsequently, each of us was a 'head' of something. My then-employers were more than glad to atone for less-than-compelling compensation with vaulted and meaningless titles, even if I did take on all the responsibilities that title suggested. I am still a little sheepish having it down on paper.
After I got off the phone last night with a recruiter of a wonderful company that I truly truly admire, I felt perhaps, I'd stuck my foot in my mouth for the first time in a long time. I didn't take the high road when I was asked the ominous and awkward question of "Why did you leave your last company?" Despite the fact that I knew this question was coming, I felt this unnecessary and to an employer, unattractive need to be honest, and to be heard and understood. What came out of my mouth could be best described as verbal diarrhea. I can be a little harsh on myself, but I pride myself on speaking with finesse, tact, and THOUGHT. I did my thinking AFTER I got off the phone, and came up with my prepared answer AFTER I thought it through. Yes it would have been prepared, but not made up, and it would have been far more convincing. If given the chance to make a second first impression (sigh), I would have told the recruiter, "in all honesty, I was BORED." Ok I may have phrased it as "I felt restrained by my job requirements." No one questioned my work performance, or my execution of my expected job duties. They loved what I did. My sales rep knew me to be responsive and resourceful. I created my own projects, updated existing information, re-organized, networked, pitched sales, built presentations... and still found way too much time where I sat twirling my thumbs, waiting for my supervisor to provide me with any instruction or feedback. I am aware there are those who don't mind sitting around, playing Farmville and waiting for a paycheck. I find it terribly unproductive, uninspiring and a complete waste of time. At times like these, I would normally approach other departments to see if I could be of assistance, but communicating with other departments was banned, per company policy. As was Internet Use, MP3 Players, Cell-Phones... so there I sat in my isolated cubicle, thinking of ways to work for the company, by myself. I also don't exaggerate because the truth is usually sufficient. There also was never going to be vertical movement, it was a multi-million dollar business that was family-owned and managed by a handful of managers. Promote from within... to where?
So, here I am, a perfectly capable worker, looking for a perfectly capable employer. This self-imposed unemployment will be my attempt to find my last job... or at least get me somewhat closer to wherever I'm meant to end up.
Naturally, a blog post from me can't end on a somber or semi-serious note, so for levity, an observation: I think my father has it in his head that I have 3 options that will put HIS mind at ease. (1) Find a job (2) Go to grad school (3) Get proposed to.
"IS HE GOING TO ASK YOU OR WHAT!?"
"Err..."
"Do guys HAVE to be the ones to do the asking? In America?"
"Oh my god... why don't YOU propose to him?!"
"Hehehehehehe... just checking..."
#palmforehead
The end.
13.10.10
Blog Entry #40!
This is terribly unexciting!!
I wholeheartedly wished I had fun things to report or to blog about. Although at the suggestion of BF, and it's a good one, I am going to start a separate blog temporarily titled "Things that my mom says I can't eat". I suppose it's more telling to put "Things that my Chinese mom says I can't eat", but I don't want to add to the myth of the Chinese or Asian Mother, although much of it can be true. :::Sniggers:::
(Sniggers is a word I picked up from reading Harry Potter, or as I call it simply, "DUMBLEDORE!!". Alas, 13 long years after it first became a worldwide phenomenon, I am officially a fan of the books. At least until I get to book 6 or 7 which have received poor(er) reviews from my friends than the first 5)
Back to why I'm less than thrilled. I have refrained from blogging about my work, although I think many would have found it amusing, because while the business practices may be 'common', they are neither sound nor logical, and personally I find myself wondering "... er but why?" but more often than not I find myself bent over with laughter at the ridiculousness of it all.
Before continuing on, I've just taken out my self-pity violin and am playing a sad tune... now hear that refrain in your head as you cotinue reading this.
I AM RESTLESS! This debacle of a job has done NOTHING for me this past 7 months except with the silver lining of having made friends with a few spectacular personalities and coming to the realization yet AGAIN that I am a rock-solid person with strong work ethic and competence, exceptional interpersonal skills unless of course, you aggravate me and I decide to throw you under the bus and tell you everything that is wrong with you. Yes, I have discovered, with the 'help' of this job, a whole new side of me. A side that is catty, gossipy, b*tchy and worst of it all, cynical. I find this distasteful and unwelcomed! I'd rather be broke and charming! So therein lies the dilemma... engage on another round of funemployment where it wouldn't be half as much fun as last time since I had money saved up to play around with... or stay at a thankless and meaningless job with a joke of a company while pursuing personal interests?
I think I can answer that question in my sleep. It's just that the answer makes my life a little bit harder. Although, as an optimist, I see it as motivation to work harder and be more creative... difficult situations call for clever solutions. I do think finding the money is easy... in theory. Time for practical application!
Incidentally, I am ridiculously inspired by this blog that I just read through in its entirety: http://michelles-in-cambodia.blogspot.com/
She's ballsier than I am! I managed just ONE horrendous 5-hour busride from Siem Reap to Phnom Penh, I don't think I could get on another Cambodian bus... but anyhow, she's doing what I imagine myself doing. I'm not jealous, just inspired. :)
I wholeheartedly wished I had fun things to report or to blog about. Although at the suggestion of BF, and it's a good one, I am going to start a separate blog temporarily titled "Things that my mom says I can't eat". I suppose it's more telling to put "Things that my Chinese mom says I can't eat", but I don't want to add to the myth of the Chinese or Asian Mother, although much of it can be true. :::Sniggers:::
(Sniggers is a word I picked up from reading Harry Potter, or as I call it simply, "DUMBLEDORE!!". Alas, 13 long years after it first became a worldwide phenomenon, I am officially a fan of the books. At least until I get to book 6 or 7 which have received poor(er) reviews from my friends than the first 5)
Back to why I'm less than thrilled. I have refrained from blogging about my work, although I think many would have found it amusing, because while the business practices may be 'common', they are neither sound nor logical, and personally I find myself wondering "... er but why?" but more often than not I find myself bent over with laughter at the ridiculousness of it all.
Before continuing on, I've just taken out my self-pity violin and am playing a sad tune... now hear that refrain in your head as you cotinue reading this.
I AM RESTLESS! This debacle of a job has done NOTHING for me this past 7 months except with the silver lining of having made friends with a few spectacular personalities and coming to the realization yet AGAIN that I am a rock-solid person with strong work ethic and competence, exceptional interpersonal skills unless of course, you aggravate me and I decide to throw you under the bus and tell you everything that is wrong with you. Yes, I have discovered, with the 'help' of this job, a whole new side of me. A side that is catty, gossipy, b*tchy and worst of it all, cynical. I find this distasteful and unwelcomed! I'd rather be broke and charming! So therein lies the dilemma... engage on another round of funemployment where it wouldn't be half as much fun as last time since I had money saved up to play around with... or stay at a thankless and meaningless job with a joke of a company while pursuing personal interests?
I think I can answer that question in my sleep. It's just that the answer makes my life a little bit harder. Although, as an optimist, I see it as motivation to work harder and be more creative... difficult situations call for clever solutions. I do think finding the money is easy... in theory. Time for practical application!
Incidentally, I am ridiculously inspired by this blog that I just read through in its entirety: http://michelles-in-cambodia.blogspot.com/
She's ballsier than I am! I managed just ONE horrendous 5-hour busride from Siem Reap to Phnom Penh, I don't think I could get on another Cambodian bus... but anyhow, she's doing what I imagine myself doing. I'm not jealous, just inspired. :)
4.8.10
14.7.10
"There's a virus going around"
I love phantom viruses.
They're like Ninjas.
Thus it's been determined I've been hit by a ninja-star equivalent of a bug... a strain of perhaps, flu from the Orient. Germs from Mexico. Cue ghostly ooohs....
Whenever I ramble I wonder if I'm sicker than I thought I was, I check my pulse and press a hand to my forehead, which incidentally, would be the same temperature, non? I do detect beads of unpleasant sweat on the back of my neck. Ugh.
Sick sucks.
Being sick by myself sucks.
I am upset.
As I'm typing there's a kamikaze bug hitting itself against my bedroom walls... perhaps chasing after that phantom bug. Its buzzing lets me know of its presence. And the running into walls. For a second it landed behind my pillow...
I'm enjoying this vicious typing because I can't speak. Speaking brings forth bouts of coughing and just general pain. I was able to speak for a length over dinner since I had an audience of attentive listeners... and naturally I am now suffering for having extended my already strained throat.
Quick and definitely random segue...
Out of curiosity, I looked up the word upset having spliced it up as Up, and Set and wanted to know its etymology. As a definition this is what I get first from wiki:
Upset, in a competition where a likely winner loses to an underdog
NOT HELPFUL!
(Kamikaze bug narrowly misses Delilah's snout, whom having consumed parts of a delicious bone from from a bone-in ribeye, doesn't even raise her head...)
Ah-ha! This from Online Etymology Dictionary:
Indeed, I do find myself in a state of 'mental discomposure', although I thought it'd be more reflective of an emotional state... mental does seem more fitting...
Oh, Grandpa's back in ICU. Positive thoughts going that way... can't help but sigh. I'm hating this part of growing up. I. Loath. It.
Dogs are asleep, I think I'll follow suit.
They're like Ninjas.
Thus it's been determined I've been hit by a ninja-star equivalent of a bug... a strain of perhaps, flu from the Orient. Germs from Mexico. Cue ghostly ooohs....
Whenever I ramble I wonder if I'm sicker than I thought I was, I check my pulse and press a hand to my forehead, which incidentally, would be the same temperature, non? I do detect beads of unpleasant sweat on the back of my neck. Ugh.
Sick sucks.
Being sick by myself sucks.
I am upset.
As I'm typing there's a kamikaze bug hitting itself against my bedroom walls... perhaps chasing after that phantom bug. Its buzzing lets me know of its presence. And the running into walls. For a second it landed behind my pillow...
I'm enjoying this vicious typing because I can't speak. Speaking brings forth bouts of coughing and just general pain. I was able to speak for a length over dinner since I had an audience of attentive listeners... and naturally I am now suffering for having extended my already strained throat.
Quick and definitely random segue...
Out of curiosity, I looked up the word upset having spliced it up as Up, and Set and wanted to know its etymology. As a definition this is what I get first from wiki:
Upset, in a competition where a likely winner loses to an underdog
NOT HELPFUL!
(Kamikaze bug narrowly misses Delilah's snout, whom having consumed parts of a delicious bone from from a bone-in ribeye, doesn't even raise her head...)
Ah-ha! This from Online Etymology Dictionary:
- upset (v.)
- mid-15c., "to set up, fix," from up + set (v.). Cf. M.Du. opsetten, Ger. aufsetzen. Modern sense of "overturn, capsize" (1803) is that of obsolete overset. Meaning "to throw into mental discomposure" is from 1805. The noun sense of "overturning of a vehicle or boat" is recorded from 1804.
Indeed, I do find myself in a state of 'mental discomposure', although I thought it'd be more reflective of an emotional state... mental does seem more fitting...
Oh, Grandpa's back in ICU. Positive thoughts going that way... can't help but sigh. I'm hating this part of growing up. I. Loath. It.
Dogs are asleep, I think I'll follow suit.
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