Blog Entry #40!

This is terribly unexciting!!

I wholeheartedly wished I had fun things to report or to blog about. Although at the suggestion of BF, and it's a good one, I am going to start a separate blog temporarily titled "Things that my mom says I can't eat".  I suppose it's more telling to put "Things that my Chinese mom says I can't eat", but I don't want to add to the myth of the Chinese or Asian Mother, although much of it can be true. :::Sniggers:::

(Sniggers is a word I picked up from reading Harry Potter, or as I call it simply, "DUMBLEDORE!!". Alas, 13 long years after it first became a worldwide phenomenon, I am officially a fan of the books. At least until I get to book 6 or 7 which have received poor(er) reviews from my friends than the first 5)

Back to why I'm less than thrilled. I have refrained from blogging about my work, although I think many would have found it amusing, because while the business practices may be 'common', they are neither sound nor logical, and personally I find myself wondering "... er but why?" but more often than not I find myself bent over with laughter at the ridiculousness of it all.

Before continuing on, I've just taken out my self-pity violin and am playing a sad tune... now hear that refrain in your head as you cotinue reading this.

I AM RESTLESS! This debacle of a job has done NOTHING for me this past 7 months except with the silver lining of having made friends with a few spectacular personalities and coming to the realization yet AGAIN that I am a rock-solid person with strong work ethic and competence, exceptional interpersonal skills unless of course, you aggravate me and I decide to throw you under the bus and tell you everything that is wrong with you.  Yes, I have discovered, with the 'help' of this job, a whole new side of me. A side that is catty, gossipy, b*tchy and worst of it all, cynical.  I find this distasteful and unwelcomed! I'd rather be broke and charming! So therein lies the dilemma... engage on another round of funemployment where it wouldn't be half as much fun as last time since I had money saved up to play around with... or stay at a thankless and meaningless job with a joke of a company while pursuing personal interests?

I think I can answer that question in my sleep. It's just that the answer makes my life a little bit harder. Although, as an optimist, I see it as motivation to work harder and be more creative... difficult situations call for clever solutions. I do think finding the money is easy... in theory. Time for practical application!

Incidentally, I am ridiculously inspired by this blog that I just read through in its entirety: http://michelles-in-cambodia.blogspot.com/

She's ballsier than I am! I managed just ONE horrendous 5-hour busride from Siem Reap to Phnom Penh, I don't think I could get on another Cambodian bus... but anyhow, she's doing what I imagine myself doing. I'm not jealous, just inspired. :)

" Expectation is the root of all heartache."

Damn you Shakespeare.

"There's a virus going around"

I love phantom viruses.
They're like Ninjas.
Thus it's been determined I've been hit by a ninja-star equivalent of a bug... a strain of perhaps, flu from the Orient. Germs from Mexico. Cue ghostly ooohs....

Whenever I ramble I wonder if I'm sicker than I thought I was, I check my pulse and press a hand to my forehead, which incidentally, would be the same temperature, non?  I do detect beads of unpleasant sweat on the back of my neck. Ugh.

Sick sucks.

Being sick by myself sucks.


I am upset. 

As I'm typing there's a kamikaze bug hitting itself against my bedroom walls... perhaps chasing after that phantom bug. Its buzzing lets me know of its presence. And the running into walls. For a second it landed behind my pillow...

I'm enjoying this vicious typing because I can't speak. Speaking brings forth bouts of coughing and just general pain.  I was able to speak for a length over dinner since I had an audience of attentive listeners... and naturally I am now suffering for having extended my already strained throat.


Quick and definitely random segue...

Out of curiosity, I looked up the word upset having spliced it up as Up, and Set and wanted to know its etymology.  As a definition this is what I get first from wiki:

Upset, in a competition where a likely winner loses to an underdog

NOT HELPFUL!

(Kamikaze bug narrowly misses Delilah's snout, whom having consumed parts of a delicious bone from from a bone-in ribeye, doesn't even raise her head...)

Ah-ha!  This from Online Etymology Dictionary:

upset (v.)

mid-15c., "to set up, fix," from up + set (v.). Cf. M.Du. opsetten, Ger. aufsetzen. Modern sense of "overturn, capsize" (1803) is that of obsolete overset. Meaning "to throw into mental discomposure" is from 1805. The noun sense of "overturning of a vehicle or boat" is recorded from 1804.

Indeed, I do find myself in a state of 'mental discomposure', although I thought it'd be more reflective of an emotional state... mental does seem more fitting...

Oh, Grandpa's back in ICU. Positive thoughts going that way... can't help but sigh. I'm hating this part of growing up. I. Loath. It.

Dogs are asleep, I think I'll follow suit.

Sometimes I Feel

... like I'm being taken for granted. Just every now and then.

My insecurities and paranoia tend to manifest themselves in more obvious ways... and here is where I can be full-blown passive aggressive. I dislike when what I have to say isn't addressed and is dismissed or glossed over as being... 'me overreacting or being unreasonable". Especially when I'm upset. 

It's just that... it breaks my heart a little.



In other news. My 3-month review's up tomorrow. I haven't mentioned work and I really still don't feel like it too much.

I've forgotten who this Blog was for. And is for.

I don't even know why I have insecurities and never realized I'd be passive aggressive. Need to regain some semblance of self-control.

Sigh

Hi Blogspot. I apologize for not consistently visiting you. I suck.

How was I able keep almost daily journals for so many years? Handwritten pages and all... especially given that I can type 90+ words a minute now? 

Hi Duke. I apologize for not having walked you in the last 2 days. I'm tired.

He's laying by my door, face on paws, dejected. Little does he know we're about to hop in my car for a quick ride to... the park across the street.  Yes I'm tired. But I persist.

Tick tock... how long can I continue like this, sleeping less than 6 hours a night and working almost 6 days a week, I don't know, but I'm trying to make the best it. To maximize my legendary energy at the ripe age of 29.  That's right, RIPE. I will celebrate my 30's and try to live up to my vision of what that means. Meanwhile, 29 shall not go down in the history books as a year of not-so-extraordinary achievements. Or living passively. It's gotta mean something. I have to grow somehow. I'm a progressive...

Yet here I find myself sitting on my pre-school inspired laminated floor in front of my computer, sighing. About as dejected as Duke, although somehow he's perked up already, sensing this magical 30 second ride to the park across the street.

First concrete objective as a 29-and-two-month-year-old (yes you read that right):  Achieve congruity between private and public persona. Happy and alarmingly and impossibly upbeat all the time. I understand I'm allowed to have my moments, but I rather not wallow. So, to take a page out of 20-year-old Frances' journal:  Must take time to identify what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what my strengths are and what I need to work on. Write it down, and work on it. My work ethic is also legendary at work... so there you have it. It must be done. 


Real objective: Sigh no more. 

Now, having just read back this post... I think what I really need is just a drink. And maybe a movie. Maybe Lord of the Rings. Maybe it's going to be a long night.

Sigh.

Bipartisan Incompetence

I heard the descriptor on NPR last night and found it, while sad, hilarious. It was used to describe the process of our good folks in Congress trying to pass the Jobs Bill.

Incidentally, my dog Duke is currently resting his head on my left hand which is making typing difficult. Ah, now it's between both hands and his breathing is causing condensation to form on the space bar. Funny oversized lap dog. He's not impressed with my keyboarding skills. Now his head's on my right hand. I think sabotage is in play... he thinks it's time for a W-A-L-K but he's sadly mistaken.

....how much does a dog's head weigh!!?

... and then the heaven opened.

Restless. I toss and turn for hours.

Tap. Tap.  Drops of rain hits the old air conditioning unit and a sudden pop of sound jolts me wide awake.

I feel unease. Expectant.... the rain picks up full speed and it feels as if the storm's overhead.

I look at the clock, 2:25am. Sensing a moment.

The phone rings.


My brother, on the other land: "Mei-mei (little sister) ah, grandpa just passed".

"It started downpouring and I guessed..."

"There too? It started downpouring here too..."

I half-chuckled. "Mm Really?"

"Yeah. Ok. Bye..."

Bye grandpa.

Our father who art in heaven, hallow be thine name
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory
Forever and ever. Amen.