Silent Night...

Silence is not always golden. Sometimes it reeks. Simmers. Stews. Then it spills over.  Into a puddle of words that is... messy, unstructured, wide-spreading and murky.

Four months into my self-imposed unemployment, I find myself occasionally drifting in pockets of silence. And thus, any direct human and social contact creates an overwhelming response of animation and self-expression. The need and want of connecting. Then inevitably I drift back into my pocket of silence... a pocket impenetrable even to the persistent Christmas music playing over the radio...

I'm comfortable with silence, most of the time. But lately the silence seems tinted with melancholy, which is unsettling. So once again I find myself questioning... am I reflecting? Sulking?  Or is it just... estrogen?

Being ever so painfully conscious of my faculties and general state of being, the dramatic pendulum swing from for lack of a better description, "VERY happy and content" to "...pensively sighing..." is troublesome and frankly, irritating. To be irritated with one's irritation is to put oneself in a semi-vicious cycle of... constant irritation, which is precisely where I seem to have inconveniently placed myself by accident.  I'm no martyr.

Segue quickly to "Control", and my propensity to want to be IN control. Perhaps it's just that, the fact that as of today, I don't appear to have control over huge chunks of my life. To start, I've not been able to sit myself down in front of a mirror and find out what I'm looking at, or where I want to see myself in 5 years as far as a career.  Granted, I've never been able to vocalize with any conviction or been able to provide concrete details of any mid to long term plans, to anyone, be it employers, friends, or members of my family. I'm big on generalities and extremely vague on specifics and very much against committing myself to a job with fear that it won't ultimately be what I want to be doing. No, I wouldn't make a great politician...


Hum. To be continued. Need to lighten up for the time being...

Very Quickly...

Sometimes during the 2 hours I was out of the house last night, Duke and/or Delilah, ate the Blueberry muffins. Yes, the entire pan of what was left on top of the kitchen counter 'theoretically' out of their reach.  I really would like to see who and how they got it without dropping the pan...  

I'm outta control!

3rd entry in as many hours? Say it with me, pro-duc-ti-vi-ty!

Check it off the list - Blueberry Muffins.  DONE!

The fresh berries weren't as sweet as I'd like them to be, but for this first time muffin-baker I'm pretty pleased! To Alton Brown :::fist bump:::.   I would insert photographic evidence here but until I have space to load the photos still stored on my memory card... do use your culinary imagination for this and for other creations I've in mind to make or bake!  

Ah yes, I also made mashed potatoes outta the 5lb bag of potatoes that's been occupying counter-top space. Err not all 5lbs, just 2lbs worth. I think the recipe should be altered from half a stick of butter to a whole stick. What's the point really of using only half a stick?  Lunch, or rather Linner, will be... grilled chicken breast with a side of lightly boiled asparagus topped with a honey mustard dressing and... savory mashed potatoes.  This will be followed by a light dessert of an almost-flourless peanut butter cookie that I baked last night, a blueberry muffin and a cup of English Tea with cream and sugar.

.... drool.    

Diary of the Unemployed & Undeterred: Day 80-Something

I'm sitting on my ass here.

Smartass answer to self:  "Well no shit Frances how else would a person sit? On his or her feet?"

Ooh nice, I can tell today's going to be a doozy if this is how I'm going to find amusement. Internal jokes (bad ones at that) and mundane if not downright retarded dialog with... myself.   

Tasks at hand, or rather, immediate challenges I'm facing, because the idea is that when you put thoughts on paper it becomes more concrete and therefore, slightly more legitimate than just another thought lost amidst a... sea of thought.  Right.  So here they are:
 
(1) How to find fulfillment in spending time with myself.
(2) How to muster and focus my energy on executing well laid-out plans.
(3) Where I'm going to find well laid-out plans... oh I'M supposed to lay them out... crap...
(4) How I'm going to get the rest of the red paint off my kitchen wall.
(5) How to train the dogs so they can walk themselves. Oh and maybe bring in some income.
(6) How does one make delicious Blueberry muffins?

Stop.

This is me stopping myself, because the list was going down a different path than I'd anticipated. I was not ready to take this seriously... so instead, I'm going to make myself breakfast...

Time to execute Plan #6! Yay! 

OH! Almost forgot. I also need to work on a blog/paper regarding intercultural communication. More on this much later. I am not joking with this one! At least, not yet.

Chinese Zodiac - Part... where I wonder about what I just read...

Ok, instead of a full-blown analysis on the subject matter, I'll simply say this (Read previous blog for context):

I'm not a fatalist. I don't fancy all events to be pre-determined and therefore inevitable.  Being rather opinionated and having a strong sense of self, I also find it difficult to reconcile my being the way I am was determined by my birth time, date and planetary position and not a product of my own doing. However, while I won't say I fit the bill entirely (because I do have a sense of humor goshnammit!), but errr, the readings tend to be frighteningly close. What does that mean...?  Am I better or worse off for having read insights into 'myself'...? Could I force a change...? Do I become empowered by what I've read...?

To persist in this line of thinking will require a post-thought head massage to untangle the knots that are sure to form...owww... 

Chinese Zodiac Sign - Part I

Your fixed element is Metal

Resoluteness and inflexibility are some of the primary qualities associated with Metal. As a Rooster-sign person you are likely to determinedly work towards your goals. This can lead to your being a perfectionist, which can work for or against you. Taken together these traits have the potential of making you overly critical of others while you reject their constructive criticism. Even when all signs point to a needed change, you tend to stay the course.

These qualities, however, contribute to your probably being quite competitive. You likely have strong determination to finish what you start and win at games or athletic contests. You also tend to be ambitious, and will probably work long and hard to advance your position.

Metal is cold, and you probably tend to be insensitive when it comes to the feelings of others. If, for example, you're not careful, a propensity to nag and carp could be hurtful and cause difficulties in your interpersonal relations

Under the influence of Metal you are likely to have a strong sense of self. This contributes to your self confidence and generally self reliant nature. You probably have an almost unshakable faith in yourself. This is a significant factor in your pluckiness, which is a primary, Rooster characteristic. It also contributes to a desire to be noticed, dress to impress, and be admired. And, as does the metal gold, you will usually shine.

Although the Rooster-sign person is usually sociable and enjoys it, you still have an independent streak and can be alone in a crowd. In general this means you tend to carry your own weight and to not seek outside help with any difficulties you might have. In other words you suffer in silence..

As a Metal-sign person seriousness is likely to characterize your attitude and behavior. You may be accused of not having a sense of humor.

Resilience is another Metal characteristic you're likely to have in abundance. No matter how many times you are knocked down by life's vicissitudes, you're going to find some way to pull yourself up and get going again. As a Metal-sign person you will probably break completely or not at all.

You may, however, be prone to bouts of sadness or melancholy, but they will seldom if ever last for long.


My thoughts:  You bet I have thoughts about this!   Stay tuned for next blog...

One-liner to kick off the week -

This just occured to me:  There's nothing worse than an ugly narcissist. 


Ha ha...