This is what my writing look like these days.

What does all of this mean?

Does it matter?

Is there a point?

To whom?

Do I have a responsibility to...?
Is it wrong to...?
Why does it...?

When do I...?

Can't we just...?
~  ~  ~

Certainties unhinged, 

Fell by the wayside at the very first inkling of that-which-inspires.

Uncertainties.

Connections,

Tenuous, frail, precious.

Unattainable.

A glimpse. 

A moment.

A realization.

~ ~ ~ 

Where will we be in 10 years?

 

Something about Gun Control

I'm coming across a lot of drafts in my emails where I've started to rant against something that's meant for social media consumption, only to not be posted due to my own reticence.
But nah. Let's do this. Clearly I'll have something about Trump later.

From...the last time there was a mass shooting:
We set up our government so that our Presidents don't get to do whatever they feel like. This is particularly true when the Congress in place is run by a different political party. On top of this President's agenda, I imagine, is to radically reduce incidences where he has to give a "tragedy struck our nation" speech by way of gun violence. He has given many since taking office.

By the way, I live in a gun-owning household.
He has called for common-sense gun control laws, which has NOT included the BANNING of weapons. Our congress, who have been proudly, openly, obstructionists in this and many other regards, have accused him of wanting to undermine the second amendment and accusing him of just that - the banning of weapons. Reasons for why they conflate the two are clearly political. Reasons why anyone continues to accuse this President - I'm going to see this through a rhetorically comic frame - is that they're simply, mistaken.
Since we cannot change people, we must change laws. This is the way we've set up this country -- we have drunk driving laws because apparently some of us didn't know we shouldn't get into a car when we're drunk and they wind up killing people. We have laws against smoking in public places because even though smokers know smoking can cause cancer and choose to smoke, enough of them don't seem to mind it happening to someone else, including their own children. We have laws for littering because some of us literally can't figure shit out or throw them where they belong. We have laws because we're deeply flawed humans who need to be protected from one another.
For you who are "against politics," "disinterested," "don't like it," --- by virtue of your citizenry, it is a privilege and a responsibility. Politics happen whether or not you like it, or are paying attention. Politics have real implications. You can let it happen to you, or you can figure out how to work with it. Just because it hasn't happened to you or your loved ones doesn't absolve you of responsibility. Find a cause --- #GetPolitical.
If you're tired of my posts --- I wish you well, but I hope something will always nag at you at the back of your mind. That while you're counting your blessings and happily living your life and going about your business, there are people hurting who needed you to listen to them, to stand next to them, and to speak for them.

Six Digits

As of today, 116k + views of my Google + page.  Which in the real world, doesn't quite add up to anything. Google + by all measures has proven to be a bust, and Blogs have now been relegated to shelf space somewhere above a News Forum, but far beneath a 6-second Vine.

I am OK with this development given how this has always served for me, an avenue that resembles more like a Journal entry than a public space for mass consumption.  Might I have been more prolific and written more entries that documented my life these past few years? Sure, but writing for the sake of writing hasn't been as compelling as it used to be.

Nevertheless, here we are, close to a year since my last post... which serves more as a reminder of the seemingly meteoric speed of time passing than anything else.

What's on my mind?

A vacation.

A couple of friends commented on how lucky I was to be able to travel. Strangely, I felt it necessary to correct them. "Luck? It's not luck. I worked hard, saved money, and am traveling. "Still, you're lucky to get to travel." "Why? I purposely picked a career that allows me to take time off..."

They weren't convinced.

So what is luck?

To answer this question, I went to Google. Which naturally led me to Wikipedia where I found this:

"The definition of luck (or chance) varies by philosophical, religious, mystical, or emotional context of the one interpreting it; according to the classic Noah Webster's dictionary, luck is "a purposeless, unpredictable and uncontrollable force that shapes events favorably or unfavorably for an individual, group or cause".^[1] Yet the author Max Gunther defines it as "events that influence one's life and are seemingly beyond one's control.""

Accordingly, or rather, denotatively, I am correct in my initial reaction. A vacation is not a product of uncontrollable forces... but that of appropriate planning.

Which now has me thinking... what are we really saying when we comment on someone else's seemingly stroke of luck?

You get to do something that I don't get to do. Something is happening to you that doesn't happen to me. 

In a sense, calling someone lucky is to remove their agency. That what happened was not of their doing. Which brings us back to the original question... so what IS luck?

Luck is happening upon a dollar bill. Unless you put yourself at a certain location where you know people lose their change. 

Luck is turning your head and spotting a friendly face in an unexpected place.  Unless you've secretly been stalking someone and you HOPE they turned up at this location. 

... then I remembered reading in different places where people described luck as "preparation meeting opportunity."

And so back to Google I went, and found this.

Leave it to Harvard Business Review to give me a run for my money... 

In Retrospect

The lady looked at us and said, "let's pause for a moment and open  up the discussion, if any one of you would like to say something about how you feel about this issue, I'd invite you to so!"

I paused, thought of what I wanted to share, and raised my hand.

I opened my mouth. Stuttered, tears spilled over and I became so choked up no other words came out except for "Oh I'm so sorry... please excuse me a minute..."

The room grew deadly quiet as the moderator tried to comfort me, everyone stared. It was not how I had imagined it in my head.

~~~

So on a whim, and looking to make some extra cash, I spotted an ad on Craigslist for an Asian-American Focus Group that required two hours of time on a Saturday, paid $50 and food would be provided. Never one to turn down food, I called the listed number. The woman over the phone asked me questions to make sure I matched the profile, and then asked a series of questions that provided clues to the nature of the focus group, without explicitly telling me what it was. She wanted to find out where I stood on social issues, and whether I'd be open-minded about hearing from those who stood on the other side. "Of course!" I said, "I would LOVE to hear their argument."

That Saturday came, and I found my way to a nondescript building in Pasadena, and met others who'd responded to the ad. There were only 7 of us, all Asian-American women and between the age range of 21-early 30's. Most were still in school, with the oldest being an attorney.The moderator, a kind-looking woman in her 40's handed each of us a stack of papers, I quickly flipped through the pages and enjoyed an inner chuckle and a swell of confidence. It appeared we were going to be discussing marriage equality today.

Now marriage equality, those words hadn't meant too much to me 5 years ago. I'd no real ties to the LGBT community, but 5 years ago I attended my first rehearsal with Vox Femina Los Angeles, an all-women choral ensemble whose focus was on giving women of all backgrounds, sexual orientation, voice. Following the two and a half hours long rehearsal, a friend of mine who'd joined the group with me that season, she and I walked to the parking lot, and in hushed tones, put our heads together and giggled, "sooo... who do you think was a lesbian?"

Looking back, and knowing what I know now, the way we looked at our now-friends then almost resembled how one would imagine an exotic species of animal. It was our first encounter with a group of grown women, some of whom were lesbians, and there was a very human reaction of being uncertain of the unknown, a curiosity. My friend and I had cast the women as "they". The "lesbians". We scratched our heads and wondered who was "butch" and who was "lipstick," terms we'd learned from the media and who knows where else.

Aided by a shared love of music, the process of becoming one with the group was ginger, slow, and organic. Until one day, the mystical "they" were just my friends. They saw me grow from a 25-year-old not-quite-sure-who-I-am into "yes, I am a woman." They were my friends who experienced the same joys, heartache, illnesses, unnecessary drama as any of my other friends.They were my friends who taught me how to be friends with women.

Without knowing I'd done so, I'd arrived at my focus group with the women in Vox by my side. They were there when I answered every question, when I abruptly burst into tears as I tried with my might to share their stories. The incredible women with their incredible families.  Women, who even with strong support systems, have had to wait for their turn at the altar.  My friends are young, my friends are old, my friends defy every stereotype that I had in my mind when I first met them.  My friends are women, personified.

~~~

The panel ended soon after that. I left, drained.

Later, I felt an enormous sense of relief, as if I'd passed a test. My tears somehow assured me that what I felt for my friends were genuine, that my pursuit of equality for my friends was on the right course...

I told this story in a class, more tears were shed, but my professor found my tone preachy. I understand... but I'm glad I did it. I will keep telling their stories because whereas I found a cause, my friends have lived it. They continue to live it. Everyday.


[Drafted in 2011, posted 11/14/14]

We're up to 31,000...!

Creepy...!  Must figure out who is looking, and what they/you are looking at...!

In the meantime, here's some food for thought --- a brief introduction into what's been twirling in my head, before I fully hop onto my soapbox. 

Oftentimes I see memes or posts on social media and credible sites with this tagline: "What Other People Think of Me is None of My Business."

Go ahead and try it, type that in under Google images and you'll find that Coco Chanel's been quoted as having said this, as has Dr. Wayne Dyer, the self-help guru, as has Simon Cowell, just for good measures. From my search I also found that it's a title of a book that was published in 1988, which I now feel obligated to buy a used copy to see if I can understand the original intentions.  This way I can find out if it does lie in contradiction to what we then do upon others when it comes to relationships, which is to assert our wants and expecting the other to modify their behavior to suit ours.  It seems a double-standard... and I hate double-standards. 

Think for a second. If both people in the relationship truly believed in this idea that we should fully embrace who we are, and love ourselves, our minds, bodies, flaws, strengths, etc. which is the essence of this saying... does it not fly in the face of other self-help, motivational and relational coaches who speak of the need to assert oneself by voicing our needs and articulating these thoughts to our partners?  Are we not expecting our partners to acknowledge what we've said, and beyond that, to then make appropriate adjustments?  In other words, try reversing the roles. If your loved one speaks to you earnestly about something they felt with regards to your actions or words having a certain influence, are you so sage that you say to them, "Thank you for bringing them to my attention, I will take them into advisement..." and... that's it?  It's either my business or it's not is what this the tagline is telling me... but isn't it at least KIND OF my business?  Especially if I am potentially unintentionally being inconsiderate or thoughtless? Is it not possible that I AM capable of having flaws? Can I NOT feel complimented if what they think of me is positive?  

I am no cynic, nor am I anti-self-help-like things... but the simplification of these ideas drive me just a teeny bit crazy. 

Thus, food for thought. More on this later. I also don't want to be accused of simplifying something that could be more complicated than what I've synthesized in one paragraph.

Have a good weekend. :) 

29,840 views and counting...

What.

There are 29,000+ users on Google+?

Who's looking at my page? 

Are YOU looking at my page?

Who ARE you....?  :) 


So yes, color me surprised when I saw that I had that many views of my Google+ page. 
It's rather odd to think that while I am open to posting my thoughts on this particular format, 
that there are actually those who might actually read this.  

Anyhow, I've a real entry that I'm marinating on, and it deals with this idea of 
"What others think about me is none of my business," that I hear thrown around.
I've some thoughts about this and other fun self-empowering quotations so will get to it very, 
very soon. 

For now I'll simply say, drop a line in the comments section if you DO happen upon this entry. 
Would like to know when and if I'm having a conversation, as opposed to simply a monologue.

Have a good one! Take care of yourself! Smile!

2:14am we meet again

Tempted to begin a new blog titled, "Chronicles of Higher Teaching: Accounts of a Freeway-Flyer." 

The reality of adjunct teaching finds one commuting between multiple campuses in order to have enough teaching assignments to qualify as working full-time. However, that distinction doesn't carry an overwhelming amount of weight since individual campuses calculate its own course load... so full-time just means you're REALLY BUSY without the benefits of those who are actually full-time faculty members. Chuckle. 

For one who has historically been a bit of a commitment-phobe when it comes to employment, I am perfectly content working semester-to-semester, or only part-time, if it means I have extra time to pick up another 4 hobbies. However, once I commit, I am COMMITTED. So students, if you're reading this, fear not, like I said in class, I'm here to make sure you get your money's worth when it comes to learning in my classroom. Otherwise we're all just wasting our time, right?

But back to my point, the part where I find myself hired, as of this week, by three different campuses. Three different sets of thrilling challenges, three diverse population of students, and three avenues for me to explore. The prologue to my chronicles have thus been written:  She came, she saw, she liked what saw, and it was good. 

2:22am, time to turn in so I can wake up to polish up the lessons for the day. I do hope the weather cools sooner than later, Hot Elliptical is not quite the same as Hot Yoga, at least the latter is planned...

Have a good week!

Yo Yo Ma.

The last post was written 24 hours ago, just failed to press the Publish button. I thought I might as well supplement with today's entry. Fair warning, this entry has absolutely diddly squat to do with Foucault and what he says about knowledge and power.

I've been listening to Yo Yo Ma's Bach Cello Suites on a loop. My soul resonates with every articulated note. It's almost like a call-and-response.

[I looked up Paris earlier this evening. Cobble-stoned streets, cute apartments for rent. Maybe.]

Melancholy. 

As I use to do, and less so the past few years, I went back through my archives. I hadn't meant to. But reading old correspondences from almost five years ago... just... made me feel, so... aged. I remember the voices so clearly. I remember how we felt. The energy. The eager anticipation. The collective looking-forward. Easy conversations with the recognition that this, was serious. The start of a new relationship. Always the new relationship that I wished would be my last. The falling in love. Thinking everything they had to say was the most interesting thing I'd ever heard. Having everything you say BE the most interesting thing they heard that day. The sobering realization that it was too late to turn back. The glee that followed.

Wistful. 

A longing for simpler times that at the time they happened, were not simple. 

A wish that we had held onto the eagerness of each other. That we had remembered that we'd thought so highly of each other. That we had known the depth to which we'd enjoy one another. 

A dream that the conversation will pick up where it had trailed off somewhere along the road. Little by little. Where it had been absentmindedly left behind... 

Tired.  

Yet like a metal rooster, ever hopeful. 

You say 4:05am, I say time to write a post.

Let's just cut to the chase:  3 weeks until Comps. Let's not kid ourselves. We're in the trenches.

As such, this morning's topic of choice is :::drum roll:::

Rhetoric & and its relation to audiences. Why? Well I'm glad you asked, that's because it's the intersection I studied today. And in order for the information to sink just a bit more comfortably into my short-term memory, I'm going to synthesize it here, with a quick discussion on rhetoric according to Herrick (2009).

[Segue: I threw a fit for about 3 minutes earlier today complete with kicking a box in my study and a surprising shout of "LIFE SUCKS!" that startled no one but Duke. Although even he was only half-startled given my odd hours and strange behaviors these days. But yeah, life is not splendid at the moment and except for periods of glee when I'm occupied with work or with social gatherings, I am not un-depressed.]

Herrick defines rhetoric as the "systematic study and the intentional practice of effective symbolic expression" (7).

Rhetorical discourse boasts six features:
1. Planned
2. Adapted to an audience
3. Shaped by human motives
4. Responsive to a situation
5. Persuasion-seeking
6. Concerned with contingent issues 

Most of these are self-explanatory, or which I can elaborate on fairly easily, but Audience requires its own spotlight, because as Herrick notes, "Rhetoric stresses commonality between a rhetor and an audience" (10).

On this topic, from the classical tradition we have an obvious choice in Aristotle, who in Book II of Rhetoric, not only identifies three very specific audiences in his discussion on forensic (jurors), deliberative (legislators), and the epideidic, explores the roles of the audience as well as the characteristics held by those who sit in the audience. To the former, Aristotle believes audiences are responsible for holding the rhetor accountable for what they say. Whereas the rhetor seeks to persuade the audience through the artistic proofs of appeal, audience is still the one who must grant that they have been so persuaded. One key feature of argumentation under the topoi of logos is the employment of deductive reasoning, specifically with the use of the enthymeme. Enthymeme are considered rhetorical syllogisms, which are "arguments built from values, beliefs, or knowledge held in common by a speaker and an audience." This is clear when we consider that while a syllogism may be structurally sound, the conclusion will be false if the premise is false, namely if the audience is not "in on the joke," or in agreement to the unspoken premise.

[Segue: I've decided to hand-write the comps, because typing out answers will take too much time. I'm more fluid with a pen.]

Moving toward the Modernists, we have Kenneth Burke, although it may be a good idea to reserve him to bat cleanup when it comes time to write my rhetorical criticism of whatever artifact. Nevertheless, a quick and very easy connection to draw between Burke and audiences can be found in identification, one of the tenets to his logology. As quoted in Herrick, Burke observes that "you persuade a man only insofar as you can talk his language by speech, gesture, tonality, order, image, attitude, idea, identifying your ways with his" (A Rhetoric of Motives, 1996, 55).  Identification is also derivative of the Catholic idea of consubstantiation, or the taking of the body an blood of Christ, in that identification means an exchange of essence with one another, thereby establishing a mutual recognition. A rhetor, in order to achieve their purpose, must be able to establish identification in such a way. Through some type of mean. For example, in visual communication, identification may be achieved through the use of recognizable symbols that inspire certain emotions or joined meaning. This ties back to Burke's most well-known articulation of the definition of human: "Man is the symbol-using (symbol-making, symbol-misusing) animal, inventor of the negative (or moralized by the negative), separated from his natural condition by instruments of his own making, goaded by the spirit of hierarchy (or moved by the sense of order), and rotten with perfection" (Language as Symbolic Action, 1966).

Finally, we have Perelman & Olbrechts-Tyteca's discussion on particular and universal audiences. To P&O-T (to save time), "all argumentation aims at gaining the adherence of minds, and by this fact, assumes the existence of intellectual contact" (The New Rhetoric: A Treatise on Argumentation, 14). They chose to use argumentation as the topic of discussion given the context of the times, where rhetoric had been reduced to being talked of as mere fluff, so they wanted to reframe the discussion in an attempt to revive rhetoric. Returning to their definition of the nature of argumentation, where essentially it means there is no argument if there is no one we're trying to convince, they propose the two types of audiences. Furthermore, they state that the quality of the audience ultimately determines the quality of rhetoric. In this vein, it sounds similar to the Aristotelian proposal of the responsibility of the audience. 

Tomorrow, I will wrap up audiences and continue with a discussion on the functions served by rhetoric, it's another set of six. And then we'll take a look at the relationship between rhetoric and power. Did someone say Foucault...?

Time to pass out so I can wake up to study some more.

A break from Comm Theory...

There's something beautiful about the way we love a person.

No amount of theory, rationalizing, insight, and experience can fully explain why we feel what we feel. I'm sure there are precise sciences to how the brain is stimulated, and what triggers the body chemistry, but to break it down to an exact formula takes away all the mysteries that are every bit as real.

The images that self-selects to surface, the moments that come to mind, the things that come back in slow motion. I suppose in the end, these are the times we remember and live for.

I'll end this with an excerpt from Sarah Kay & Phil Kaye's exquisite poetry:

     ...Love arrives exactly when Love is supposed to.

     And Love leaves exactly when Love must.
     When Love arrives,

     say, “Welcome, make yourself comfortable.”

     If Love leaves,

     ask her to leave the door open behind her,

     turn off the music,

     listen to the quiet,

     whisper, “Thank you for stopping by.” 

Even when it ends, I'm thankful every time it stops by.

Attribution Theory (Fritz Heider, 1958)

In 3 months, I will be taking the comprehensive examination that will determine whether I shall become Sensei Chee, or Come-Back-in-the-Fall-and-Try-Again Chee... 

:::chuckle::: but REALLY :::weak nervous laughter:::  

So just now, having had a glass of wine (which always helps), I've decided that I will utilize my blog as a place to study, by a theory a day. Or a concept a day. Or a scholar a day, possibly two when I start panicking. I will do what I would have students do should I teach Communication Theory one day and how I've been taught, and that is first, by examining the theory itself and addressing its salient tenets, assumptions, and finally by applying it to real life situations through the theoretical lens so we have a better understanding of how it functions. Because let's be honest, why do we study communication theory at all if we cannot somehow make it meaningful to our own lives?

Today, we will talk about what is quite possibly my FAVORITE communication theory: Fritz Heider's (1958) Attribution Theory. I'll explain why it's my favorite shortly.

Quick segue -- CLEARLY I'll sound a bit lecture-y/dry/academic during these posts, so pardon my occupational psychosis (Kenneth Burke, from some year which I will identify when I get into Burke). As for any glaring grammatical mistakes or typos -- that'll be the wine ($8 from Costco - 2011 Casamatta Bibi Graetz, only a 86.8 average review from cellartracker.com) 

Let's get started!

This theory, which falls under the context of "The Communicator," (I'll explain the contexts in a separate post) is one of the theories that tries to explain why we as people, do what we do (Littlejohn & Foss, 2011, p. 84).  It's a theory that helps us figure out the cause behind people's behaviors, including our own. 

Heider cites multiple causal attributions people make and outlines them as such:

• Situational -- being affected by the environment
• Personal effects -- influencing things personally
• Ability -- being able to do something
• Effort -- trying to do something
• Desire -- wanting to do something
• Sentiment -- feeling like it
• Belonging -- going along with something
• Obligation -- feeling you ought to
• Permission -- being permitted to

We explain behavior in one or more of these ways and we also decide whether it was deliberate, or unintentional and making a decision.  We also make decisions as to whether the actions are due to internal or external forces. In other words, attribution is the process of our drawing inferences (Griffin, p. 137). 

The process of attribution has three steps --- incidentally, everything in communication or perhaps the world, tends to occur in threes. I've not looked into this, but I enjoy it nevertheless ;)

1. Perception of action -- the other as the causal agent;  "I saw that"
2. Judgment of intention "You meant to do that"
3. Attribution of disposition  "You're a horrible person"

So how we arrive at such decisions Heider says unsurprisingly, tends to be biased, especially when it comes down to our judgment of others as contrasted against our own. He identifies the following tendencies:

• We tend to hold others more responsible for negative results than for positive results.
• We tend to hold others more responsible for not trying than for incompetence.
• We tend to hold others more responsible when they aim to improve a position than to avoid loss.
• We tend to hold others more responsible for their outcomes when we fear the same thing could happen to us.
• We tend to hold others more responsible than we hold ourselves *DOUBLE STANDARD ALERT* 

Now, critiques against this theory are that Heider seems to favor rationality over emotions, and that he does not take into consider the impact of emotion in how we may attribute our own and others' behaviors. While this may be true, let's consider just how applicable this theory is by applying it to everyday occurrences.

Alas, my progress has been tempered by pleasant distractions -- the application AND further analysis for this theory will continue tomorrow. 

Sneak peek at how attribution theory can be applied:  "Ugh, my students are not completing assignments, it must mean they're not motivated, and simply don't care about college nor their education."  vs.  "Man, I have too much work, I really try, but I just cannot get the paper done so I'll just go in and ask for an extension, professor so-and-so will totally understand. I'm a good student after all. It's very clear when I DO participate."

Wink.  And, Day 1. Wrapped. :)

GREAT

I just realized I repeated the same sentiment in my latest post that I'd written two posts ago.

I'm getting to the age where I'm starting to repeat myself.  Dear. Lord.

The Terrible 32's

The cohabitation with those who are not my age has been my single greatest challenge and in so many ways, my source of relentless joy these past few years as a graduate student.

A few nights ago when I spoke to my mom over the phone, I told her, "Well yes, I get frustrated sometimes when they don't listen to what I have to say, but I know that if I were to go back in time, I probably wouldn't listen to me..." she laughed. 

I've realized that I nag. I can be short-tempered. My patience can be worn down and out. I dispense advice and am amused and irritated and exasperated when they're not taken. I also know that I care FAR less if at all about justifying my positions and why I do or say things, and when I'm questioned, I'm less than inclined to explain it, because the consequence aren't as important to me. I no longer feel the need to be liked or to extend myself beyond what it is I already have internalized and do. 

I am also very very tired and know that I just need to let things, and let people be.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm playing StarCraft again. It's a good reprieve from everything else, but I don't think it's conducive to a good night's sleep. Nor is it good for grading papers, or for passing my comprehensive exams.

Speaking ofthe dirty C word (Comprehensive exam); it doth appear I'm headed for a Ph.D. program. I'm still letting that sink in, and am wondering if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm biting off more than I need to chew. Not what I CAN chew... but if I need this degree.  I've a hunch I need to do it, and I've yet to turn down an opportunity or not followed a hunch.

I was called fearless a few months ago by a friend. I was surprised. I don't think of myself on those terms, and I do have fears.

~~~~~

I am looking forward to a graduation trip. At this very moment, all I can think of are the islands of Greece, bronzed skin, fresh cocktails, with the distinct white buildings of Santorini as my backdrop...  

Did I mention I was tired...?

"I don't do goofy photos."

It's simple words like those that baffle me.

We were taking group photos earlier tonight, and someone said we should switch it up, "Let's do goofy photos...!" And behind me I hear "Yea I don't DO goofy photos," as a few others chimed in.

What does that mean? When did they lose the sense of fun and ridiculousness that I think is vital to one's well-being? Was it they never learned the importance of play? Or is it a public versus private persona that is being threatened?  So many questions, so little time to run studies to find out.... 

~~~

Yesterday, my boyfriend started to ask me to imagine a time when I was uncomfortable socially. He stopped before he was done asking the question as he realized that I was incapable of ever being uncomfortable socially, and therefore couldn't fathom such an idea. Yes. By all considerations or measurements, I'm an extrovert who thrives in social situations. I don't, however, reach out to fulfill a need to be social.  I am perfectly content curled up in front of a big screen watching re-runs of my favorite rom-com's. 

In many respects, I reach out to fulfill others' needs to connect with another human being. I see people and I read their sadness. Their anxiety. Their uncertainty. I speak to them plainly, and I gain their trust, as some have articulated, "I don't know why, but I'm comfortable with you" when they are normally reticent. I appreciate their trust, and I do my damnedest to keep the fragile connection.  Frequently I wish I could do more. I wish I could resolve their problems. I wish I had more resources than just my time and my honesty. Yes, I know it matters because we live in a strange world where "social media" is the buzz word, yet Wherever I look, we're looking down, and not at each other.  

~~~

So if you were wondering, my foray into Introduction to Apparel Construction has had mixed results. The good? I now know how to sew a button! AND to operate an industrial sewing machine! AND sew a straight line!  The bad? I am easily just as slow at sewing as I am at writing papers.  I don't know if it falls under time management as I know what needs to be done and I know the deadlines I face, and even as I work incredibly hard and continuously, I just always seem to fall behind. "Slow and steady wins the race," doesn't quite work in academia. Especially not in a quarter system.   Nevertheless, the first sewing project I completed was the assembly of a bag that was made from 40 disposable plastic bags!  And yes, I patted myself on the back when I completed it, and I have been carrying it around everywhere.

Picture to follow.

...and I need to write more. 

Public Introspection

Introspection. Is it a lost art?

Technically I'm being introspective when I type up these posts, yet a part of me recognize the voyeuristic qualities of a blog, where your words aren't just a practice in narcissism and there's a larger audience in mind. In my case, I suppose the audience is anyone who care to read my writing. It feeds to my vanity as a unrealized novelist. Perhaps one day. When I have a good story to tell.

I'm in the midst of a meandering Summer, the beginning of which started off fortuitously, only to quickly flame out when my curmudgeo-ness caught up. I was in a situation where rather than stay in and try to talk it out and to justify my reasoning, I decided to gracefully bow out before I rained my 32-year-old insight all over someone else's parade. 

Yesterday my dear friend +My-An Le shared with me a blurb written by the stupendous Olivia Wilde in Glamour, where she touted the turning of age when one becomes 30, or as Ms. Wilde dubbed, the "Cut the Bullsh-t and Go Be Awesome" stage. I couldn't help but chuckle at the "truthiness" of it all... perhaps with the exception of the "Don't cut your face," which applies to a vastly smaller percentage of women I would imagine than the rest. 

Over the past 6 months I'd noticed that I was becoming increasingly aggravated by what I loved the most in this world, and that is simply, People. Ever since I made my way back to school, I find myself surrounded by peers who were not my age, or where I was "in my head." When this is reflected in conversation, it finally dawned on me that it was like trying to have a conversation with myself in my early 20's. Sure I was introspective and thoughtful then, but my responses would not be what they are today. I don't carry myself the same way, nor do I have the same tendencies, expectations, or motivations. I finally realized that I had to leave it alone... to let them experience time as I did. To not force them to see things from my perspective, which is more universal than even I might wish to think... just universal for those who are also of my age. 

On the flip side, it's gratifying to be in a position to say what I want to say, and rather than experience the panic of "I don't think they understood let me try and explain myself..." I'm okay with leaving it there, having the assurance that what I said was what I meant, and that was enough. Misinterpretation may occur, but it's not for me to fix. If what I said was in good faith, it ought to be enough. It's also okay to not be the first person to say something. Or the last. 

If anything, this vacation has been a welcomed break from the rigors of academia and the routine of work. It's giving me a chance to clear out the intricate cobwebs that have been woven in the dark corners of my mind where creativity has taken to hibernation. A deep, deep, slumber that I hope to awaken this Fall when I take "Introduction to Apparel Construction."  That's right, I'm 32 but to this date I've not learned how to sew a button. And now that all of my core coursework for my Master's have been completed... time to take on new challenges! One. Button. At. A. Time.

Tim Gunn, I'm coming for you...! 

On teaching

A few days ago I happened across my old MySpace page. A page that I've decided to treat as a commemorative site for a moment frozen in time. In typical fashion, I re-traced my steps, and read my old blog entries... and yet again, I felt an injustice for myself, in not following through on writing these entries, because I clearly enjoy writing.

A quick recognition to "Tristan," a young man whose blog has inspired this particular post, and also a quick hello to all those who may at some point or another, by choice or by chance, live inside our heads. Social norms be damned, there is something to be said about being communicate with one's words, if nothing else. All the great ones did, no? So keep writing Tristan!

The title of this entry is titled "On Teaching," if only to put a context to where I am in my life. I'm teaching! The experience has been tremendous. With a bit of training, some guidance, a whole lot of verve, I've been instinctively doing what I think ought to be done. I am profoundly humbled by the task of educating college students, wishing only to serve them well, and helping them figure out how best to apply what they learn in my classroom once they leave my classroom.

(Quick segue --- I've a tooth that's threatening to eat my face. OUCH. Off to the dentist the first thing tomorrow, sans insurance. All fingers crossed.)

(Quick Segue #2 --- I'm now listening to the "Into the Woods" Pandora Station I created this afternoon. The sing-along-ability is not helping with my toothache.)

Back to teaching... like most of my peers, there is a frustration with students not demonstrating an understanding of the material. But my frustration inevitably lies with myself... what am I not doing? It MUST be how I'm not communicating concepts clearly. Hmmm... a constant work in progress. Let's call it: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

(Pocahontas!)

I've work to do, so I'll keep this short and say simply that: I LOVE teaching. I only wish to be better. Always better. The best. It's something to strive for I think.

Be well,
"Ms. Chee" --- ha!  :)

What? Summer Vacation?

I feel 12 again, this is fabulous. I have the Summer off. Perks of being a student with supportive parents and a healthy (i.e. substantial) amount of student loan debt.

Downside of being a student at 31, there's no PE class. I'm also not fudging around with taking beginning volleyball or any  "fun" classes.  I've picked up a fairly sedentary lifestyle, the impact of which I did not feel (nor did I see) until school wrapped. I went home, looked in the full-length mirror, and...and... I went online.  Which brings us to this particular blog entry:  FREE SHIT IN LOS ANGELES!

Pardon the language, but it was too catchy to avoid.

I hadn't realize that most gyms/workout spaces in the area extended a first class for FREE --- a trial for you to figure out if it works for you. So for each of the places that I found interesting, I have officially signed on to a free class so I can figure out what I can commit to and what fit my ADD exercise style. And so, Operation Body Shock is now underway...

Pure Barre, Pasadena --- There's something to be said about being the first one in class. It's slightly awkward, especially since I'd never been there before. The receptionist girl was friendly and helpful, although I don't think she realized the extent of my uncertainty.  "Oh you can go ahead and stretch in the studio if you'd like."  Oh... stretch huh... just walk into the studio and stretch...  Yes I know it sounds simple, but I'd no clue what I was in for, where I should put myself, etc. And then people showed up, one smiled when we caught each other's eyes. No one else did. Four other girls who clearly had been there before, arrived, grabbed the weights and ball, sat and well, stretched. They avoided eye contact with each other and absolutely did not smile. STRANGE.   Anyway, to the workout, no introduction, no coddling, no differentiation between newbies and none, just straight to the exercises. At first I was a bit disconcerted, and then I kind of liked it... the quick transition from move to move, the jello-like shaking of my legs, the exasperated gasps of people failing a move, the chuckles at a particularly difficult routine.  It was a lot like Pilates, and a lot less actual bar work than I was expecting although I didn't have too much expectation, I've figured out that's the best way to approach anything new. I spoke with Melanie the trainer after the session, she said I did well for my first time and I asked her at what point do my muscles stop jiggling. Apparently it doesn't ever really.

The Cycle Annex, South Pasadena --- Michelle, the trainer for the 8:30am session welcomed me, I liked her immediately. I enjoyed her style, very matter-of-fact, "just-do-it!" directness that I appreciated. She fitted me for my bike, told me to start peddling as I waited for the 9:45am class to begin. Folks filtered in (friendly, direct eye contact...lol), along with Leslie, the trainer. She was bubbly, energetic and very encouraging. What followed was a lot of breathing, watching my form, concentrating on getting through the muscle spasms and minor freakouts where I'm panicking I can't get through the next 10 seconds, the breath goes away and I have to sit instead of ride off-straddle. HOWEVER, I think I did fairly well for a first-time, again, no expectations, just a lot of uncertainty yet willingness to push myself. My thighs are burning.  Leslie too said I performed really well and didn't appear to be a first-timer. I met Brandon, who started the gym. Overall, I really like the space, their philosophy, the ease of it all... AND, the fact it's in my favorite part of town. Right next to Heirloom, which I promptly visited for a French Chicken Sandwich and coffee. 

Next, Rock It Workout for a routine they call Barre Fly --- this is definitely a fancier gym, complete with a tea bar and a DJ for every group class. In some respect it's not my kind of environment, but I'm determined to keep an open mind, especially when they have the most inexpensive deal that I've seen for their group classes.

Oh!  It's not just workouts that are free in LA ---

Downtown Property Tour, Los Angeles --- Hal Bastien is an excellent tour-guide given his insight into the history of Los Angeles and his passion for its growth. This free tour is a great way to see different parts of the city and to get an idea of the neighborhoods.

Self-Guided Audio Tour, Disney Music Center --- Despite the fact that I've attended numerous concerts and have actually sung at the venue, I'd never attended the tour. A tip --- use the self-guided audio option, it's fantastic! John Lithgow is the narrator, and the guided tour gives the exact same information, and unfortunately when my brother and I were on our tour, we came across the group that was being guided by an actual tour, and she was really not good. She didn't have the same delivery as John Lithgow :)   Very insightful, and completely free! 

Tonight I'm headed to the KJAzz series on the westside at the Century Mall for some free Jazz... free jazz!!!  I met a new friend at the Vox Gala awhile back and she has her own trio... it should be marvelous.

Free shit in LA, who'd thunk it ;)

Sure signs that I'm putting off writing a paper

* The laundry is done
* Some form of re-organization has taken place with the BF's closet
* The furniture has been re-arranged
* The dishes are done (not yet, but they will be)
* My Hulu queue is decidedly shorter
* ...I'm blogging.

But unlike any other day, today is a special day. Today, I get to stand on the stage at Disney Music Center, albeit not to give a performance, but I get to rehearse in the magical space! In front of Grant Gershon and with many many many many many other choral singers!

Vox is a part of Mahler 8, billed as the "MUSICAL EVENT OF THE DECADE!!! DUM DUM DUM!" Along with the LA Phil (DUDAMEL!), LA Master Chorale, National Children's Chorus, we will be 800 choral singers strong for a SYMPHONY OF A THOUSAND!!! And while my dear friend Marcela will tell you, Mahler did not truly intend for it to be 1,000 people when he wrote it and only 300 actually performed in that first performance, it will be quite awe-inspiring. We will be a part of a sold-out performance (4,300 tickets!) at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles, and I will undoubtedly, be quite frankly, petrified.

19 hours in formal rehearsal between now and the evening of February 4th when we are scheduled to perform. That's 19 hours to put on my big-girl's choral pants and truly learn the piece and be able to do it justice. That's 19 hours until... THE MUSICAL EVENT OF THE DECAD...

You get the idea.  So can you blame me for being so distracted that I cannot complete my paper that was in fact, due, yesterday...? 

That's just an excuse, I really do need to finish this paper. For more info on this epic performance, check out www.LaPhil.org!

One day at a time

And a year at a time.

Sooner or later this will all work out.


~~~


There was a singular moment two years ago, when I was in Taiwan, where it struck me that what I was feeling at that moment was rare, and perfect. I'd stopped myself to 'be in the moment.' - as cheesy as that sounds. I closed my eyes and held onto it... wishing it could become reflexive, like muscle memory where at a later date, when I was feeling less than divine, I could recall that moment and all would be well. I held on tight to the feeling in my balled fists... and wished and hoped.

I've not felt quite like it since. But I relish in the fact that it was mine for even a little while... perfect serenity. Eager anticipation. Calm happiness.

~~~

On the recent trip to Iowa, there were many similar moments. Not of perfect contentment, but one of 'let me appreciate this moment'. As I sat in the grass in a beautiful backyard, as I looked out of the car window at the expansive canyons, the wide open fields, the puffs of clouds... the skies... I wanted to breathe it all in, bottle it up and save it for later, when I'm sitting in front of my computer screen as I am now, wondering when I'll next be out on the road.

~~~

School's starting in 3 days. Timely distraction.

~~~

Made a friend today. Even if it was just for an hour or two. I shall call him the great Dane. Not of the canine variety... just originally from Denmark. Has a 17-year-old son who's into what sounds like extreme skateboarding. Come to find out the daredevil streak was passed down by pops, who used to be a skier, dirt-biker, and scuba diver... complete with broken fingers etc. Asked me every question under the sky without it ever feeling intrusive, just born of curiosity and good-will.

I'd write more... but I'm tired.

Duke just ate his food. With me watching.